i don't remember the things i used to do with you
tonight i walked alone. i tried to catch snowflakes with my tongue and i ran after them.
so i ran alone with my tongue out for snowflakes and i don't remember if that's something i would have done with you. was i weird? was i afraid you'd think i was weird? this sort of stuff bothers me
how did i act for four years?
time makes me crazy.
17 December 2012
11 December 2012
ONLY MOMENTARY
i've lived since august knowing this euphoric state of mind and experience would all come to some form of dramatic, heartbreaking ending. and now, after nearly six months, it is so. the first of us leaves in eight days--so the countdown begins.
here, i have friends that instantaneously became family; which now extends and exists from across the atlantic ubiquitously.
i learned to enjoy the process of life. enjoy the process of creating. where in the united states, we live a pre-packaged life, programmed to do what we see in the media, programmed to do what universities say we need. working toward a common goal in the end: wealth, security, happily married, 50's family style. here, it is all about enjoying the process all throughout, not just the product in the end that is simply unattainable, perhaps even nonexistent.
i lived here subconsciously always aware of the shrinking timeline because it was always there. in the first weeks when we bought a hookah, asking who will take it when we go home. it doesn't matter and that isn't important but even in the beginning there were commitments i didn't want to make. it is hard to live appreciating everything when you always know it isn't forever and is utterly and completely temporary. the situation where all of us are together again is never plausible after this and i can't fathom this kind of instant separation and loss of everything i've experienced.
unable to express where my life has gone throughout the semester.
goodbye alex.
here, i have friends that instantaneously became family; which now extends and exists from across the atlantic ubiquitously.
i learned to enjoy the process of life. enjoy the process of creating. where in the united states, we live a pre-packaged life, programmed to do what we see in the media, programmed to do what universities say we need. working toward a common goal in the end: wealth, security, happily married, 50's family style. here, it is all about enjoying the process all throughout, not just the product in the end that is simply unattainable, perhaps even nonexistent.
i lived here subconsciously always aware of the shrinking timeline because it was always there. in the first weeks when we bought a hookah, asking who will take it when we go home. it doesn't matter and that isn't important but even in the beginning there were commitments i didn't want to make. it is hard to live appreciating everything when you always know it isn't forever and is utterly and completely temporary. the situation where all of us are together again is never plausible after this and i can't fathom this kind of instant separation and loss of everything i've experienced.
unable to express where my life has gone throughout the semester.
goodbye alex.
TOWERS
towers is the name of the dormitory that i lived in in college; it's made up of these two towers-north and south-my girlfriend lived in one and i lived in the other. it's about falling in love, but also about what happens when you've long fallen out of love and those reminders are still there. you drive by them, these two buildings, and you look, and you realise that we really built that up. that we really built that love into these things, and for a long time afterward, looking at them really made me feel sad; to see these empty buildings that i don't go in to anymore. but then, as time goes on, they start to become kind of joyous in their own way: you can look at them and think 'that love was great and these buildings still stand tall.' but there's also an element of the fact that they're just buildings-they're gonna fall down one day, and they're not that important because there's new love in your life and you've got to break things down that get built up.
26 November 2012
BLURRED
it's high time now to take a moment out of the day and write something that's been long overdue. since today is thanksgiving at home, what better day to write about how incredibly grateful i am for the past year of my life.
the autumn of last year is completely hazy for me. i tried my best to avoid the entire idea of existence. i was the most alone and isolated i had ever been; i gained no sense of independence from it, but rather the opposite, quite trapped inside my own head and unable to look ahead or see my own life without you in it.
i had only two ideas for a solution: first, let go of everything. i succeeded. (even now, i can't recall much about the four years we spent together and it is absolutely surreal in retrospect. just small visions of us kissing under a blanket, sometimes i see you driving a car and we're singing together, other times you're chasing me up the stairs or we're dancing for fun or you're making me ice cream with a broken blender....i can't remember even half of the words we spoke, and just yesterday i found myself questioning the way we held hands because i can't remember anymore. and what were things we said before bed? the only thing i could do was to repress the memories of everything we'd done. maybe sometime i'll want to remember, but still i cannot recall much at all. my second solution was when i discovered the only way i felt okay was if i felt nothing and detached myself completely from my surroundings. and still, i find myself completely lacking of emotion because of this. in all honesty, the only emotion i can even feel is happiness. i promised myself once i got over everything, i would never be sad again, and i haven't been.
i can't recall any dates or events in particular up until late december, and nothing happy stands out. aside from trying my hardest to be the best i could be, i failed. i remember what a job it was to try to fall asleep at night, forcing television that reminded me of you out of my sight, skipping through theme songs i'd sing, just shutting my eyes and hoping some kind of peaceful sleep would overcome me instead. constant checking of the telephone. maybe you'd realised what you'd done. made up your mind. maybe things were different today, but nothing ever changed. there was a point where i had to schedule my entire day, minute-by-minute, just to get through it okay. if there was any time for idling, it was disastrous. most of the times i do remember were spent crying in my car, frantically calling you for some kind of help, because i had no one else. you wouldn't answer the phone, or you couldn't say the words i needed to hear, and after being my best, and only, friend for so long, i had no counter reaction and knew that no one would understand what i could possibly be dealing with except you, thinking you must have been feeling the same. sometimes i drove and drove alone, just to stay alive. i never wanted to die. i knew i didn't want to die. but often i wondered how you'd feel if i did; despite being obviously naive and immature, as an eighteen year old being completely in love with someone, i couldn't remotely understand why he would do this to me. eating was hard and i didn't do much of it. even going home was a disaster. i took down all of your pictures, put away all the things you'd given me, and placed them in a bag which remains in my closet. my mom made things easier. she stayed up late watching films with me which perhaps meant more to me than anything else at that point.
so, it was around january last year when i decided i had to be the one to make an active change in my life if i wanted to survive. over christmas break, i spent most of my time with my two best friends from home, and that alone was incredibly calming. we ate together, smoked together, drank together, slept together, watched stand up comedy together. it was exactly what i needed, just someone. on new year's, i was alone for the first time in five years. i remember getting your text the next day saying happy new year and i didn't respond because i knew this was the point where i had to change. a new year couldn't have come soon enough and the last thing i wanted was to continue allowing you to destroy me mentally, emotionally, and physically over and over and over. i had told myself i needed you for four years at this point, and it was incomprehensible for me to see that i could actually exist on my own. but it was something i had to realise.
after that, life got better, slowly but surely. my attempt to find happiness in every day was more successful and when i stopped talking to you, the rate at which i felt better was incredible. around late february, i walked to a coffee place with my friend montana one thursday night to see some live music and enjoy the atmosphere outside of the dormitory, which had become some kind of emotional prison at this point. it was there that i met katelyn outside. meeting katelyn changed everything. i don't know if she knows it or not, but i think she can assume. so, for the first time in this immense post, i will state something i am thankful for: friendship. katelyn.
katelyn introduced me to the entire group of friends i have now. they are the most incredible, interesting, creative, hilarious, and wonderful people in the world. i'm sure of it. and i couldn't have met them at a more opportune time. it was them who changed me completely. by the beginning of march, after driving around with matt shouting bright eyes (the first day we ever met), i was so happy i couldn't sleep at night. no sleep in the best way. sometime around here, i met amanda and andrea. they are the most similar people to myself i could ever imagine and the influence and support that they have given me in the past year is so inspiring. by april and may, i felt perfect. i am so thankful for meeting the most magnificent people to ever ever grace warrensburg's presence. i spent my summer with them and had the greatest summer of my life: carrots in branson, world's of fun, bumblin around cookie puddles, people piles, sing-a-longs and dancing in kitchens, an abundance of sunscreen, exploring the island of half foots and knee diseases, midday swims, and an unforgettable fourth of july and an even more unforgettable float trip.
we continued some kind of extremely sketchy and strange relationship sporadically throughout the summer, but it never felt okay or comfortable, and i knew it was stupid the entire time. but since it didn't hurt to see you or to let go at the end of the day anymore, (i think i'd exhausted all my emotions at that point), i continued to see you sometimes. you didn't have the same effect over me at that point so nothing made me sad, but neither happy. we said a short goodbye before i left, but it was nothing special and it didn't mean much to me at all, and, i'm sure, neither you.
so, this brings me to august of this year when i moved to stockholm, sweden. this is the point where the story of the past year gets so incredibly difficult to describe. nothing could ever compare to the happiness i have found here, the friendships and family i have formed, the cultural aspects of everything said and done, acceptance, camaraderie, love. i'm never alone here. i finally found somewhere i feel i belong, and i never want to say goodbye to this. maybe this will be easier to reflect on and write about in a year, but while i'm currently living the most brilliant six months of my life, i cannot possibly recognize the quality...
to wake up for the sunrise. to sit on a mountain, lie in a road, swing on a veranda when the world wakes up. to think and feel that i am the only person in my hemisphere conscious, resulting in a full mind, quiet, unremitting thoughts. i am the only person awake right now. i am the only person to witness this. these colors are all for me. the silhouettes of the trees for me. reflection of pinks, yellows, purples in water. the layers of the horizon. the edge of the world. that's how i feel living here. björnkulla has been an unreal experience.
the past year i've existed in so many levels and general dimensions. i am thankful for every single emotion i felt, every night spent crying or not sleeping or not eating, every single friendship i found, every experience that has led up to this point. i am so thankful for mostly being alive, knowing what i want and don't want out of life and out of other people, having proper expectations for myself, and the dignity to continue on. i hope everyone experiences something that enables them to completely find themselves as i have.
the autumn of last year is completely hazy for me. i tried my best to avoid the entire idea of existence. i was the most alone and isolated i had ever been; i gained no sense of independence from it, but rather the opposite, quite trapped inside my own head and unable to look ahead or see my own life without you in it.
i had only two ideas for a solution: first, let go of everything. i succeeded. (even now, i can't recall much about the four years we spent together and it is absolutely surreal in retrospect. just small visions of us kissing under a blanket, sometimes i see you driving a car and we're singing together, other times you're chasing me up the stairs or we're dancing for fun or you're making me ice cream with a broken blender....i can't remember even half of the words we spoke, and just yesterday i found myself questioning the way we held hands because i can't remember anymore. and what were things we said before bed? the only thing i could do was to repress the memories of everything we'd done. maybe sometime i'll want to remember, but still i cannot recall much at all. my second solution was when i discovered the only way i felt okay was if i felt nothing and detached myself completely from my surroundings. and still, i find myself completely lacking of emotion because of this. in all honesty, the only emotion i can even feel is happiness. i promised myself once i got over everything, i would never be sad again, and i haven't been.
i can't recall any dates or events in particular up until late december, and nothing happy stands out. aside from trying my hardest to be the best i could be, i failed. i remember what a job it was to try to fall asleep at night, forcing television that reminded me of you out of my sight, skipping through theme songs i'd sing, just shutting my eyes and hoping some kind of peaceful sleep would overcome me instead. constant checking of the telephone. maybe you'd realised what you'd done. made up your mind. maybe things were different today, but nothing ever changed. there was a point where i had to schedule my entire day, minute-by-minute, just to get through it okay. if there was any time for idling, it was disastrous. most of the times i do remember were spent crying in my car, frantically calling you for some kind of help, because i had no one else. you wouldn't answer the phone, or you couldn't say the words i needed to hear, and after being my best, and only, friend for so long, i had no counter reaction and knew that no one would understand what i could possibly be dealing with except you, thinking you must have been feeling the same. sometimes i drove and drove alone, just to stay alive. i never wanted to die. i knew i didn't want to die. but often i wondered how you'd feel if i did; despite being obviously naive and immature, as an eighteen year old being completely in love with someone, i couldn't remotely understand why he would do this to me. eating was hard and i didn't do much of it. even going home was a disaster. i took down all of your pictures, put away all the things you'd given me, and placed them in a bag which remains in my closet. my mom made things easier. she stayed up late watching films with me which perhaps meant more to me than anything else at that point.
so, it was around january last year when i decided i had to be the one to make an active change in my life if i wanted to survive. over christmas break, i spent most of my time with my two best friends from home, and that alone was incredibly calming. we ate together, smoked together, drank together, slept together, watched stand up comedy together. it was exactly what i needed, just someone. on new year's, i was alone for the first time in five years. i remember getting your text the next day saying happy new year and i didn't respond because i knew this was the point where i had to change. a new year couldn't have come soon enough and the last thing i wanted was to continue allowing you to destroy me mentally, emotionally, and physically over and over and over. i had told myself i needed you for four years at this point, and it was incomprehensible for me to see that i could actually exist on my own. but it was something i had to realise.
after that, life got better, slowly but surely. my attempt to find happiness in every day was more successful and when i stopped talking to you, the rate at which i felt better was incredible. around late february, i walked to a coffee place with my friend montana one thursday night to see some live music and enjoy the atmosphere outside of the dormitory, which had become some kind of emotional prison at this point. it was there that i met katelyn outside. meeting katelyn changed everything. i don't know if she knows it or not, but i think she can assume. so, for the first time in this immense post, i will state something i am thankful for: friendship. katelyn.
katelyn introduced me to the entire group of friends i have now. they are the most incredible, interesting, creative, hilarious, and wonderful people in the world. i'm sure of it. and i couldn't have met them at a more opportune time. it was them who changed me completely. by the beginning of march, after driving around with matt shouting bright eyes (the first day we ever met), i was so happy i couldn't sleep at night. no sleep in the best way. sometime around here, i met amanda and andrea. they are the most similar people to myself i could ever imagine and the influence and support that they have given me in the past year is so inspiring. by april and may, i felt perfect. i am so thankful for meeting the most magnificent people to ever ever grace warrensburg's presence. i spent my summer with them and had the greatest summer of my life: carrots in branson, world's of fun, bumblin around cookie puddles, people piles, sing-a-longs and dancing in kitchens, an abundance of sunscreen, exploring the island of half foots and knee diseases, midday swims, and an unforgettable fourth of july and an even more unforgettable float trip.
we continued some kind of extremely sketchy and strange relationship sporadically throughout the summer, but it never felt okay or comfortable, and i knew it was stupid the entire time. but since it didn't hurt to see you or to let go at the end of the day anymore, (i think i'd exhausted all my emotions at that point), i continued to see you sometimes. you didn't have the same effect over me at that point so nothing made me sad, but neither happy. we said a short goodbye before i left, but it was nothing special and it didn't mean much to me at all, and, i'm sure, neither you.
so, this brings me to august of this year when i moved to stockholm, sweden. this is the point where the story of the past year gets so incredibly difficult to describe. nothing could ever compare to the happiness i have found here, the friendships and family i have formed, the cultural aspects of everything said and done, acceptance, camaraderie, love. i'm never alone here. i finally found somewhere i feel i belong, and i never want to say goodbye to this. maybe this will be easier to reflect on and write about in a year, but while i'm currently living the most brilliant six months of my life, i cannot possibly recognize the quality...
to wake up for the sunrise. to sit on a mountain, lie in a road, swing on a veranda when the world wakes up. to think and feel that i am the only person in my hemisphere conscious, resulting in a full mind, quiet, unremitting thoughts. i am the only person awake right now. i am the only person to witness this. these colors are all for me. the silhouettes of the trees for me. reflection of pinks, yellows, purples in water. the layers of the horizon. the edge of the world. that's how i feel living here. björnkulla has been an unreal experience.
the past year i've existed in so many levels and general dimensions. i am thankful for every single emotion i felt, every night spent crying or not sleeping or not eating, every single friendship i found, every experience that has led up to this point. i am so thankful for mostly being alive, knowing what i want and don't want out of life and out of other people, having proper expectations for myself, and the dignity to continue on. i hope everyone experiences something that enables them to completely find themselves as i have.
17 November 2012
ASHTRAYS
i will forever be searching for europe in every city i visit, and i will never find it at home. when you've found where you've belonged all along, i feel incredibly heartbroken for a place that will never be mine, i've already lost too much of myself.
07 November 2012
26 October 2012
IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER
"so, in that case, just make some photos outside and make friends with the animals."
for when i return home and am going insane from the people around me that i cannot identify with slightly
for when i return home and am going insane from the people around me that i cannot identify with slightly
25 October 2012
TALLINN, ESTONIA
Tallinn was absolutely charming. Such cute detail and character in the architecture, shapes, and colors. I even found the trees and the people interesting.
It felt so good to arrive back in Stockholm. Despite only being absent for three days, I genuinely missed it. When the train passes through central Stockholm, I am still amazed by its beauty. It is perfect here and a place I will always think of as home.
24 October 2012
THE FIRST OF MANY MORE REGRETS TO COME
i meant what i said when i said i would rearrange my plans and change for you. you know me, i've always been the kind with easy confidence. confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there's stopping me, especially not someone who's not loving me. listen here, i told you i could live on without loving you. i was bluffing then, but it seems that just might have been the truth.
23 October 2012
THE VELVETEEN RABBIT
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real, you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
14 October 2012
OCTOBER IN STOCKHOLM
hair happiness
shoe happiness
friendship happiness
09 October 2012
I'LL JUST SHUT THE CURTAINS SO YOU WON'T WAKE UP
you are the sand surrounding crocodile's legs. you are the half moon in the daylight. the broken chair in the kitchen. the speed at which clothes tumble through the laundry chute. the wallpaper's destroyed and faded design. the loss of my favorite yellow cardigan. the way the window sticks. you were wearing a feathered blouse and a string of colors around your head. your shoes were orange. i don't care for orange but i liked your shoes. i didn't know what to think of it then, but i wish i'd have said something of importance. nothing with meaning came out of my mouth then, i hadn't had time to prepare for this, and you, in your feathered blouse and string of colors and terrible orange shoes, could have shown me the entire world. and i knew it. my mouth left frozen and stuck and longing to explore your mannerisms.
01 October 2012
MI VIDA AQUI
i love it
french music
italian coffee and flatmate
spanish family
swedish crowds
german recluses
french bus partner
polish sleepovers
absolutely beautiful.
endlessly saying "i wish the whole world was this diverse"
french music
italian coffee and flatmate
spanish family
swedish crowds
german recluses
french bus partner
polish sleepovers
absolutely beautiful.
endlessly saying "i wish the whole world was this diverse"
30 September 2012
the plan now is to close my eyes and maybe something genuine will come out of it. i feel so strange and it is impossible to pinpoint what for. maybe i'm embarrassed to admit to myself. for the first time in my life i want something i cannot have and it is the most childish, obnoxious, selfish response to any situation. my eyes have been opened to things i did not even know i wanted in my life, but i need them now. it's unbearable. i do not think i miss my parents. i can still hear their voices and see their faces. sometimes i wonder what tina is doing. if she is happy, if she has someone. i have a family here. i do not want to leave. i do not want to leave. the idea of it is so heart wrenching. without anyone to wake me up in the morning for lunch, collectively sitting around a table with homework, hearing languages every day other than my own. to fear the cold but not face it alone. i feel very free here and at home will return to the "bell jar" per say. i think i feel strange because i know i am not appreciating everything like i used to do. for an entire year of my life, i lived for the moment i could escape my mind and world. i eventually made it out, and i could not be more thankful, but i miss appreciating every single thing. i miss feeling independent. the bowling alley, having bagels and chai tea with tina, hugs on campus, car drives, smoke closets, small bikes, drunk chasing lost cats. finding beauty in the most nonchalant aspects of life. i am taking everything for granted. the people, atmosphere, opportunities. i have to remember that although this experience is fleeting, we will never be all together again, but the relationships built with everyone will last for the rest of my life. i should write this in a journal, i haven't written a thing in a month. i'm scared of waiting until the last moments to finally have courage to appreciate everything and i'm scared of not getting exactly the things i want and i feel so powerless to make it. that's what it is.
i think i need to do things on my own for a bit. that is what makes me happy. knowing how well i can be on my own. this idea becomes complex when i absolutely believe happiness is the most real when it is shared. maybe that's some old idea i should cleanse myself of. i am so terrified of loss. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness.
i think i need to do things on my own for a bit. that is what makes me happy. knowing how well i can be on my own. this idea becomes complex when i absolutely believe happiness is the most real when it is shared. maybe that's some old idea i should cleanse myself of. i am so terrified of loss. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness. i am in control of my own happiness.
29 September 2012
american football
a beagle with a green collar named señor.
colds. overcoats. head stomach throat.
need to carry my journal with me because i'm forgetting too many things. living so quickly isn't good for my memory and i don't want to forget anything.
the colors of pavement in rain.
training myself to be mature, and fair, and to keep my mouth shut.
love talks. fall trees.
some of my favorite writing i found on some blog from 2008, and i wish i could find something more recent that he's written. i also wish to sit on the björnkulla hills in the forest. to be fully aware that i am living in the best, most influential six months of my entire life.
returning will be to remember our game of who hurt who worse and you know that you won. i know that you won. but it's in my hands now and we're both losers. i refuse. and to move forward means i've already won. try not to put anymore edibles in the dishwasher. so i can laugh on the phone and drive to see you at four am. it was the worst but the best we could have. we failed each other but we kept pushing on.
"i know i lose track of you sometimes
i lose track of myself sometimes
i lose track of my grammar sometimes
all the eyes look like yours
i live you"
overcompensating again. this is so sloppy.
colds. overcoats. head stomach throat.
need to carry my journal with me because i'm forgetting too many things. living so quickly isn't good for my memory and i don't want to forget anything.
the colors of pavement in rain.
training myself to be mature, and fair, and to keep my mouth shut.
love talks. fall trees.
some of my favorite writing i found on some blog from 2008, and i wish i could find something more recent that he's written. i also wish to sit on the björnkulla hills in the forest. to be fully aware that i am living in the best, most influential six months of my entire life.
returning will be to remember our game of who hurt who worse and you know that you won. i know that you won. but it's in my hands now and we're both losers. i refuse. and to move forward means i've already won. try not to put anymore edibles in the dishwasher. so i can laugh on the phone and drive to see you at four am. it was the worst but the best we could have. we failed each other but we kept pushing on.
"i know i lose track of you sometimes
i lose track of myself sometimes
i lose track of my grammar sometimes
all the eyes look like yours
i live you"
overcompensating again. this is so sloppy.
21 September 2012
17 September 2012
To wake up for the sunrise. To sit on a mountain, lie in a road, swing on a veranda when the world wakes up. To think and to feel that I am the only person in my hemisphere conscious, resulting in a full mind, quiet, unremitting thoughts. I am the only person awake right now. I am the only person to witness this. These colors are all for me. The silhouettes of trees for me. Reflection of pinks, yellows, purples in water. The layers of the horizon. The edge of the world. That’s how I feel, living here. Bjornkulla has been an unreal experience.
08 September 2012
manchester orchestra
something about listening to my old favorite music in relation to where i am now and where my life is going now is the strangest sense of nostalgia. for years i just drove in cars for music and lived for nothing. thinking of the past five years, all i see is a montage of kissing and driving in cars, discovering neutral milk hotel, your body for me. and love. (when i visualize love, i see your smile-because of me, the movement of your hands, the smell of your skin, your collarbones under your shirt, the shape of your stomach, jawline, the way your knees are weird and how your nose fits. your voice in the morning. licking your face. the softness of your neck. the taste of your mouth. singing under blankets. caught in the symmetry of your mind. piggy back rides down the stairs. dancing in the living room. anything that can occur with another person in a four year time span, did occur with you.) something about the different sunsets fucks me up a bit. and something about never, ever, ever, ever thinking i'd be here. i can't delve into the past year at this point. the darkest parts one can experience for such a short timeline. i'm admiring my own improvements now, and i can hear manchester orchestra and feel nothing for you. still anxious for times when your name, your face, and your voice have nothing over me.
i wish i could get some of those experiences back to save for someone else. but if that could happen, i wouldn't be the same, you wouldn't be the same, and i wouldn't know everything i'm capable of. to feel something that some will never feel makes me very glad and grateful for where i've been.
i wish i could get some of those experiences back to save for someone else. but if that could happen, i wouldn't be the same, you wouldn't be the same, and i wouldn't know everything i'm capable of. to feel something that some will never feel makes me very glad and grateful for where i've been.
islands of half foots and knee diseases
i cant pronounce the sounds ive never heard.
i cant be arsed to use an apostrophe or capitalize anything.
camaraderie in kitchens. seems to be a quite common and steady occurrence throughout my early adulthood. i miss evenings in matt and kevin's kitchen being surrounded by the most beautiful people with the most imaginative minds. all of it. but here it's different, mostly in a good way. even if i can't express myself well enough, i suppose everyone else feels similar
camaraderie in kitchens. first smores. buckets of sangria. exploration. group escalators. sweden's lakes in september.
to be on my own in a foreign place has to be nearly one of the very best things in life.
i cant be arsed to use an apostrophe or capitalize anything.
camaraderie in kitchens. seems to be a quite common and steady occurrence throughout my early adulthood. i miss evenings in matt and kevin's kitchen being surrounded by the most beautiful people with the most imaginative minds. all of it. but here it's different, mostly in a good way. even if i can't express myself well enough, i suppose everyone else feels similar
camaraderie in kitchens. first smores. buckets of sangria. exploration. group escalators. sweden's lakes in september.
to be on my own in a foreign place has to be nearly one of the very best things in life.
02 September 2012
absence
to not think of you in time gives me so much to hope for
and to know that i don't need or even want you makes me feel completely completely new
there are people much nicer and who share the same world as i do
i feel like myself again after five years and i can finally finally breathe on my own
to experience everything. what things i have done thus far. haven't mentioned it to anyone and perhaps that's even half of who i am. but they'll see soon maybe. it isn't important anymore. i'm so so very happy.
and to know that i don't need or even want you makes me feel completely completely new
there are people much nicer and who share the same world as i do
i feel like myself again after five years and i can finally finally breathe on my own
to experience everything. what things i have done thus far. haven't mentioned it to anyone and perhaps that's even half of who i am. but they'll see soon maybe. it isn't important anymore. i'm so so very happy.
01 September 2012
31 August 2012
people are always trying to find someone to make their worries and stresses worth it and it shouldn't be so. you should make your worries and stresses worth it yourself,
and then perhaps if you're lucky you can be happy with another person.
happier than i have been for so long. i've been happy for so long. beautiful beautiful life.
i want someone with curiosity. i've a curiosity for everything. it's weird at times but how can you learn otherwise.
wish people'd stop settling. i'm exactly where i want to be and heart, mind, curiosity all content.
and then perhaps if you're lucky you can be happy with another person.
happier than i have been for so long. i've been happy for so long. beautiful beautiful life.
i want someone with curiosity. i've a curiosity for everything. it's weird at times but how can you learn otherwise.
wish people'd stop settling. i'm exactly where i want to be and heart, mind, curiosity all content.
15 August 2012
i don't know what love is, but i know what it isn't
let's get married, I'm serious, but only for the citizenship, i've always liked the idea of it. a relationship that doesn't lie about its intentions and shit.
På Konungariket Sverige
if you need me i wont be here so don't need me
jag lämnar för sverige i tolv timmar. jag vet inte hur jag kommer att sova i natt.
jag lämnar för sverige i tolv timmar. jag vet inte hur jag kommer att sova i natt.
14 August 2012
På Sverige
I imagine myself listening to Kent on the airplane to Sweden. And it's weird as hell, you know, because right now, the words are just pretty, like, noises or whatever. And I can enjoy it all the same. But I keep thinking about how on the way home in January I'll listen to the same songs or whatever, and I'll know what they mean and it'll never be just noises anymore, you know? It's like the end of an entire portion of my life and the beginning of something incredibly new. And it's so strange, because I'm not only going to learn another whole language to express myself in, but I'll learn so much from the beautiful people around me and all the cities and culture I'll get to experience. I know this idea could be written so much more eloquently and poetically but honestly I'm anxious as hell and can barely form a sentence at the moment. I'm going to enjoy those noises while I still can.
13 August 2012
i'd be nothing without you my darling please don't ever leave
is there a human alive ain't looked themselves in the face without winking or saying what they mean without drinking
who will believe in something without thinking, "what if somebody doesn't approve"
is there a soul on this earth that isn't too frightened to move?
07 August 2012
Moon Palace page 299
"I'm sorry I had to tell you. But I wouldn't have felt right if I hadn't called."
"No, I'm glad you did. It's just so hard to take. Oh God, M.S., if only you knew how long I'd been waiting to hear from you."
"I've made a mess of everything, haven't I?"
"It's not our fault. You can't help what you feel, no one can."
"You didn't expect to hear from me again, did you?"
"Not anymore. For the first couple of months, I didn't think about anything else. But you can't live like that, it's not possible. Little by little, I finally stopped hoping."
"I've gone on loving you every minute. You know that, don't you?"
Once more, there was a silence on the other end, and then I heard her start to sob again--wretched, broken sobs that seemed to suck the breath out of her. "Jesus Christ, M.S., whar are you trying to do to me? I don't hear from you since June, and then you call me up from Chicago at five o'clock in the morning, tear my guts out with what happened to Sol--and then you start talking about love? It's not fair. You don't have the right to do that. Not now."
"I can't stand being without you anymore. I tried to do it, but I can't."
"Well, I tried to do it, too, and I can."
"I don't believe you."
"It was too hard for me, M.S. the only way I could survive was to make myself just as hard."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"It's too late. I can't open myself up to that anymore. You nearly killed me, you know, and I can't risk anything like that again."
"No, I'm glad you did. It's just so hard to take. Oh God, M.S., if only you knew how long I'd been waiting to hear from you."
"I've made a mess of everything, haven't I?"
"It's not our fault. You can't help what you feel, no one can."
"You didn't expect to hear from me again, did you?"
"Not anymore. For the first couple of months, I didn't think about anything else. But you can't live like that, it's not possible. Little by little, I finally stopped hoping."
"I've gone on loving you every minute. You know that, don't you?"
Once more, there was a silence on the other end, and then I heard her start to sob again--wretched, broken sobs that seemed to suck the breath out of her. "Jesus Christ, M.S., whar are you trying to do to me? I don't hear from you since June, and then you call me up from Chicago at five o'clock in the morning, tear my guts out with what happened to Sol--and then you start talking about love? It's not fair. You don't have the right to do that. Not now."
"I can't stand being without you anymore. I tried to do it, but I can't."
"Well, I tried to do it, too, and I can."
"I don't believe you."
"It was too hard for me, M.S. the only way I could survive was to make myself just as hard."
"What are you trying to tell me?"
"It's too late. I can't open myself up to that anymore. You nearly killed me, you know, and I can't risk anything like that again."
03 August 2012
27 July 2012
to summers that last way too long
ray's
beer purse
chair stealer
me getting angry at people who didn't like the dark knight rises
OR SPIDERMAN
someone from sweet springs
who talked to sean
this mystery person said i was a very nice girl in high school
i wonder who it was
i am very curious about who liked me
i was very different then and i'm almost convinced no one would recognize me anymore despite it only been a little over a year ago that i left there
a car
backseat
to kevin's
shelby's spilt wine
musical part foul
discussing with nathan
an empty purse
a broken fridge and stolen beer
whispering 'i want taco bell' in everyone's ears
hugs
hugs
hugs
a hole in the wall
taco bell
unexpected texts
refusal to eat eatings
home
throw down beer purse
the rest is the best part.
beer purse
chair stealer
me getting angry at people who didn't like the dark knight rises
OR SPIDERMAN
someone from sweet springs
who talked to sean
this mystery person said i was a very nice girl in high school
i wonder who it was
i am very curious about who liked me
i was very different then and i'm almost convinced no one would recognize me anymore despite it only been a little over a year ago that i left there
a car
backseat
to kevin's
shelby's spilt wine
musical part foul
discussing with nathan
an empty purse
a broken fridge and stolen beer
whispering 'i want taco bell' in everyone's ears
hugs
hugs
hugs
a hole in the wall
taco bell
unexpected texts
refusal to eat eatings
home
throw down beer purse
the rest is the best part.
25 July 2012
24 July 2012
aghast
no reason to sarcastically elude odd numbers which consequently happen to be fine with me
i can count my ears by myself although i'm sure you know a place where i could get a new one to fix whatever might be undesirable
(but you are less than desirable and the only thing i like about you is the way you made me feel everything, all at once, a million times over, and more than anyone could)
i can monitor my weight by myself as if there's anything that you remember otherwise
hipbones like a mountain's edge and a princess on a unicycle
i am happy now even though i don't have anyone. perhaps that is what troubles people. they think they need to have each other to survive. when possession doesn't play a part in love, it must be the best, most special kind.
english looks pretty and i like to read it and i like to spell it.
i can count my ears by myself although i'm sure you know a place where i could get a new one to fix whatever might be undesirable
(but you are less than desirable and the only thing i like about you is the way you made me feel everything, all at once, a million times over, and more than anyone could)
i can monitor my weight by myself as if there's anything that you remember otherwise
hipbones like a mountain's edge and a princess on a unicycle
i am happy now even though i don't have anyone. perhaps that is what troubles people. they think they need to have each other to survive. when possession doesn't play a part in love, it must be the best, most special kind.
english looks pretty and i like to read it and i like to spell it.
23 July 2012
22 July 2012
19 July 2012
dorian gray
"Romance lives by repetition, and repetition converts an appetite into an art. Besides, each time that one loves is the only time one has ever loved. Difference of object does not alter singleness of passion. It merely intensifies it. We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible."
"Even when one has been wounded by it, Harry?" asked the Duchess, after a pause.
"Especially when one has been wounded by it," answered Lord Henry.
"Even when one has been wounded by it, Harry?" asked the Duchess, after a pause.
"Especially when one has been wounded by it," answered Lord Henry.
16 July 2012
so very ready for the week and the summer to be over. i have little to no free time and this anatomy class is murdering me. i've got two more exams (respiratory system and embryonic development). the geography class i'm in is extremely easy but still takes a lot of time to write a three page journal article every week, as well as a quiz and a test each week too. needless to say i have no time to do the things i really enjoy as i'm too busy worrying about schoolwork, despite the summer season and mentality. i have so much to do. but, of course, i get the most inspiration to write when i've got no time to do so.
i can't wait to relax for a few weeks before heading off to sweden. i'll have time to sit, play piano, read the economist, read the other piles of books i'd been planning to read all summer, develop film, learn to cook potatoes and chicken and pancakes so i don't starve while i'm away. maybe i'll even have time to start packing (no idea how i'll accomplish that feat....) i'd like to have time to be with my friends, to be with myself, lay in bed, watch netflix, have snacks, and sleep in for once-something i've done less times than i can count on one hand this summer. with sweden only 29 days away at this point, i'm absolutely freaking out. it's the hardest thing to visualize how much my life is going to change even though i know it will so much. it seems so unreal and it will until i am on an airplane. until i land in arlanda and buy a metro ticket. since i'm arriving early, the first week only a few students will be in björnkulla. the 24th i am volunteering at popaganda music festival. i expect to have adventures and wander aimlessly every single day. i can't wait to be on my own. and next summer monica and i are (possibly) living in new york together. my life feels like it's only beginning and i'm never going to have to look back again.
my waitressing job is nice and the family is so kind to me, but it is dull work. i'll quit both my jobs in a few weeks and then have the remaining two to relax with my family and summer porch sit with my friend and probably dance into people piles on the grass.
i can't wait to relax for a few weeks before heading off to sweden. i'll have time to sit, play piano, read the economist, read the other piles of books i'd been planning to read all summer, develop film, learn to cook potatoes and chicken and pancakes so i don't starve while i'm away. maybe i'll even have time to start packing (no idea how i'll accomplish that feat....) i'd like to have time to be with my friends, to be with myself, lay in bed, watch netflix, have snacks, and sleep in for once-something i've done less times than i can count on one hand this summer. with sweden only 29 days away at this point, i'm absolutely freaking out. it's the hardest thing to visualize how much my life is going to change even though i know it will so much. it seems so unreal and it will until i am on an airplane. until i land in arlanda and buy a metro ticket. since i'm arriving early, the first week only a few students will be in björnkulla. the 24th i am volunteering at popaganda music festival. i expect to have adventures and wander aimlessly every single day. i can't wait to be on my own. and next summer monica and i are (possibly) living in new york together. my life feels like it's only beginning and i'm never going to have to look back again.
my waitressing job is nice and the family is so kind to me, but it is dull work. i'll quit both my jobs in a few weeks and then have the remaining two to relax with my family and summer porch sit with my friend and probably dance into people piles on the grass.
15 July 2012
as i brush my teeth
i smell like someone else and i hate it.
(the world spins madly on)
so i leave for sweden in one month.
i did need this. for now i'll just clean my sheets.
(the world spins madly on)
so i leave for sweden in one month.
i did need this. for now i'll just clean my sheets.
11 July 2012
give me a new world
you're wonderful
i wish i'd done everything with you
(we did most things)
the year 2012 can be summed up with stomach aches and required realizations.
a sick grandfather,
a burning half finished cigarette,
thyrovocalis,
feminism,
a sleeping couch,
an unwelcoming human
i like the fact that you read a lot
maybe books are all we talk about but there's nothing wrong with that, (more people should read more)
i like the fact that you carry a small notebook around and write it in always and that you shared it with me
i like the fact that you loaned me two of your books
thank you.
i wish i'd done everything with you
(we did most things)
the year 2012 can be summed up with stomach aches and required realizations.
a sick grandfather,
a burning half finished cigarette,
thyrovocalis,
feminism,
a sleeping couch,
an unwelcoming human
i like the fact that you read a lot
maybe books are all we talk about but there's nothing wrong with that, (more people should read more)
i like the fact that you carry a small notebook around and write it in always and that you shared it with me
i like the fact that you loaned me two of your books
thank you.
10 July 2012
there are countless wonderful things about sunsets but i like sunsets because the sunset you are seeing is always the most beautiful sunset you can imagine and you never have time to think 'this sunset would look much prettier on the coast over an ocean right now' because it's hard to imagine anything more beautiful than the sunset you're seeing in front of you
and that's why sunsets are nice
i wish people treated other people like sunsets
and that's why sunsets are nice
i wish people treated other people like sunsets
07 July 2012
treasure trap
i promise to only remember the good things
i promise to drive better
i promise to never talk about the weather or the color of paint i'd prefer or if that tree should be trimmed or if the calendar is still on december in the new year or if the bed is made in the morning
i promise i'll let you play the music
i promise i won't worry what kind of shirt to wear or the kind of things i should say
i promise i'll stop twisting your words and i'll let go when you're ready
but
you
won't
consume
me .
i promise to drive better
i promise to never talk about the weather or the color of paint i'd prefer or if that tree should be trimmed or if the calendar is still on december in the new year or if the bed is made in the morning
i promise i'll let you play the music
i promise i won't worry what kind of shirt to wear or the kind of things i should say
i promise i'll stop twisting your words and i'll let go when you're ready
but
you
won't
consume
me .
05 July 2012
People believe in God because the world is very complicated and they think it is very unlikely that anything as complicated as a flying squirrel or the human eye or a brain could happen by chance. But they should think logically and if they thought logically they would see that they can only ask this question because it has already happened and they exist. And there are billions of planets where there is no life, but there is no one on those planets with brains to notice. And it is like if everyone in the world was tossing coins eventually someone would get 5,698 heads in a row and they would think they were very special. But they wouldn’t be because there would be millions of people who didn’t get 5,698 heads.
And there is life on earth because of an accident. But it is a very special kind of accident. And for this accident to happen in this special way, there have to be 3 conditions. And these are:
1. Things have to make copies of themselves (this is called Replication)
2. They have to make small mistakes when they do this (this is called Mutation)
3. These mistakes have to be the same in their copies (this is called Heritability)
2. They have to make small mistakes when they do this (this is called Mutation)
3. These mistakes have to be the same in their copies (this is called Heritability)
And these conditions are very rare, but they are possible, and they cause life. And it just happens. But it doesn’t have to end up with rhinoceroses and human beings and whales. It could end up with anything.
And, for example, some people say how can an eye happen by accident? Because an eye has to evolve from something else very like an eye and it doesn’t just happen because of a genetic mistake, and what is the use of half an eye? But half an eye is very useful because half an eye means that an animal can see half of an animal that wants to eat it and get out of the way, and it will eat the animal that only has a third of an eye or 49% of an eye instead because it hasn’t got out of the way quick enough, and the animal that is eaten won’t have babies because it is dead. And 1% of an eye is better than no eye.
And people who believe in God think God has put human beings on Earth because they think human beings are the best animal, but human beings are just an animal and they will evolve into another animal, and that animal will be cleverer and will put human beings into a zoo, like we put chimpanzees and gorillas into a zoo. Or human beings will all catch a disease and die out or they will make too much pollution and kill themselves, and then there will be only insects in the world and they will be the best animal.
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