comes to a close 

close the door 

ring it in 

on the other side

don't look back

at my year in review

2021.

january: had new year's with the bondis, played hand and foot, grandpa under the table, and champagne at midnight.  saw chad momentarily at jack's west plaza apartment. stayed out past midnight. virtual school. 

february: birthday dinner at the antler room; one cocktail; home with yellow candles, scary movie, and tea. overall af birthday. finished working with selena (est. nov 2020).

march: school (work) started in person again; met my students for the first time. 

april: started attending yoga with annika, and stopped drinking, just to see how long i could make it . 

may: yoga, started my next level spanish course at berges. mackenzie visited, we went to the lake. arguments about beer. i still wasn't drinking. 

june: yoga, spanish, summer tk softball, school (work) is out

july: got an idea one week, booked a flight to madrid for the next. made it 53 days or thereabouts af, and didn't spend therabouts $400. visited madrid, barcelona, murcia; andrea, martin, alverto, lucia, miguel, and lots of places i remembered, and lots of places for the first time. took the train to barcelona for a long weekend with alverto, dropped off the luggage, went to the fake beach. he worried about me sunburning. the next day we stayed on the beach for about 5 hours, reapplying. it felt like a dark and moody paris, narrow alleys and only bikes or pedestrians. i ordered in spanish but they responded in english everytime. i visited goya's black paintings at museo del prado; croquetas veganas in la latina. y el cafe de tortilla bajo de la casa de leiva. saw a flamenco show! andrea knew the doorman. drove to murcia, met bonnie and oreo, put my body in the ocean and floated around. slept in the spanish hot. 

august: back to kansas city, restarted the af count. 

september: back to school (work)

october: katelyn visited (?), pot pie, visited amaris. realized i could download books for free from the kansas city public library, and pull them up on the kindle app through my borrowed ipad. 

november: closed on 65th terrace (bought a house). visited upstate new york (tivoli) with caroline, mel, and hannah. small hikes, great view, books for free, sobremesa, greek director movie marathon, girls cooking, puppy chow, napping.

december: moved to the new house - roscher, roux, grandpa, russell, and all. painted whisper white. tried to listen to an audio book (phoebe judge - little women). made it 3, maybe 2, chapters in. started calypso on the ipad. i like to see the percentage read/left; and estimated time to finish the book. glass o wine at lauras holiday party. otherwise relatively af, been making nettle/green tea most nights now. last day of 2021, swope park dog park, yoga at rsf with caroline, now im home. 

 2022.

filled my humidifier
with my bathwater
i wonder if it will clog
or smell like soap
or blow bubbles

i barricaded in the bedroom for weeks
it's negative degrees, and my house has been in the low 60's (indoors)
i have three blankets, and three layers, two space heaters, and three pets, and one body to heat up the room
with two doors to keep closed (quite a job)

the electric company is doing "controlled power outages"
because energy reserves are depleted due to the extreme temperatures
i am cold but i know others are colder

today i tried pilates
tried my french press
tried to stay warm
tried making a grocery list and meal plan on Numbers
tried two sweets from billie's grocer

today i finished Other Minds
and started Simón, my first spanish novel
other than when i tried reading harry potter ten years ago
i'm underling all the words i don't know
and tracking if it is mostly verbs 
or mostly nouns
or adverbs or adjectives 
then i look them up. 

------------------

llené el humidificador
con la agua de mi bañera 
mi pregunto es si que va a atascar
o si va a olar como jabón
o si va a crear burbujas 

me quedé en mi habitación por semanas
hace grados negativos, y la casa ha estado en los sesentas (por dentro)
tengo tres mantas, tres capas de ropa, dos calentadores de espacio, y tres mascotas, y un cuerpo para calentar el cuarto
con dos puertas que necesitan guardar cerrados (no es tan facíl)

la compañia electrica están haciendo "controlled power outages"
porque las reservas del electricidad están vacía por las temperaturas extremas
yo tengo frío, pero lo sé que hay otros que tienen más frío.

hoy probé pilates
probé mi prensa francesa
probé quedar cálida
probé hacer una lista de compras
probé dos dulces de billie's grocer 

hoy terminé Other Minds
y comencé Simón, mi primer novella de español
aparte de cuando intenté leer harry potter hace diez años
estoy subrayando todas las palabras que no sé 
y mirando si los mayoría son los verbos, los sustantivos, los adverbios, o los adjectivos
entonces buscalos.

GRANDPA

mi perrito huele de sunblock y de zapatillas gastadas, y sus patitas huelen como patatas fritos (de bolsa)

su nariz está seco 

y parece como carbón

y la cabeza está en la forma de un asiento de una bicicleta, pero más grueso

los labios son como una carpa, con las aberturas que se pegaron y mostrar sus dientes.

arrugas de la frente como ríos entre las orejas, los ojos, bajo de la nariz, que es formado como una corazón

sus ojos parpadean juntos, y están grande como un bebe que quiere algo

y tiene una raya en su pecho y me gusta acariciar mucho y decir "que eres un buen chico"

está testarudo. aunque tiene su proprio cama, quiere dormir en el mío

él tiene tres piernas, no me preguntes porque (no lo sé)

pero le quiero con mis dos piernas, con ambas brazos, y con todo mi estómago.

PRACTICANDO EL PRETERITO Y ESCRIBIENDO

 tengo mucho sueño 

todo está brumoso 

es casi 11:00 de la mañana 

he bebido dos cafecitos 

he trabajado con dos niños, sólo

y uno que no ha venido.

hay mucha nieve en el norte este (nordeste) 

necesito registrar para otra clase de español

es casi mi cumple 

20:52

yo me lavé

quería correr todo el día

llovió todo el día

yo debí saber antes.

estoy practicando el preterito. 

mon, oct 7 2013 12:35am

si me voy a cortar mi pelo

y tiro en la basura de mi casa o
in my closet o

en el suelo 

o no sé

pero como que odio pensar en ti
you do not hurt me anymore
it is so far away that
even bringing it up,
especialmente por los noches,

parece insane.
there is no burden, y nada siente pesado,
no tienes un impacto, ni la derecha saber nada
y si me voy a cortar mi pelo, 

you will never have touched any of it,

pero al mismo tiempo, it doesn't matter

IT HAS BEEN GOOD TO SAY I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY TO SOMEONE NEW

it’s been almost three years since my last entry here. last night, i scrolled through some posts. i barely recognize myself. im 27 now; 28 in 11 days, coming on here feels sick,  because it doesn’t feel like mine, and i don't feel as broken, or as interesting.

i have stopped and started dyeing my hair 

i have started and stopped drinking too much (now nine days without)

i have stopped and (am starting) to write again 

i have stopped and started to run again (as of 2 weeks ago)

i have lost and kept good friends 

i have moved, and moved, and moved apartments and cities 

i have gained weight, and lost motivation 

i have stopped eating exclusively pasta, and started eating fish 

i have had scary blood test results, and had friends support me through it 

i have had scary blood test results, and had friends say nothing 

i have been distant from my family, and have moved back to kansas city 

i have worked full-time at jobs that hurt to go to every day, and worked full-time at jobs that satiate me.

i have (we have) seen the toll of a global pandemic in 2020 

i have (we have) seen black americans killed in the daylight, gasping for breath under a cop's fucking knee 

i have (we have) seen domestic terrorism against our own democracy, and a president be impeached twice in the senate 

i have (we have) seen an incredible divide within our nation with no surefire solution to mend it. in reality i don't think there is one.

i got a dog (Grandpa)

i felt love

i felt loss 

i felt homesick 

i felt empty

i felt nothing 

i didn’t write 

i didn’t read.

three years later.
i think it’s the medication; i don’t need to write to clear my head like i used to. the medication clears it out, or it never seeps in. it's intrusive. it's real life. it's being alive. friends and exes have had babies, gotten married, gotten divorced, and moved away. friends have left my life, some slowly and naturally, others quickly and painfully. less pain than if i weren’t medicated, i’m sure.  the same as with the loss of my grandma. her suffering is too much for me. i won’t let myself start to think about it (alone in a nursing home for almost a year, isolated, and eventually succumbing to COVID.)

i’ve been listening to podcasts, but stopped listening to music almost entirely 

i've been figuring out new ways i like to move my body, 

refilling my humidifier, 

organizing my books and plants, 

studying spanish,

teaching. 

grandma jennie texts me daily “i’m okay”, 

i think she needs someone to reach out to daily just in case she isn’t ok, 

if i don’t hear from her (which is often after i’ve long gone to bed) i’m not sure i’ll realize for a few days, 

but it has been good to say i love you everyday

to someone new

appreciating how much Less Cold kansas city is than chicago, 

but still too cold to walk Grandpa after work

the sun goes down early, around 5pm

the neighborhood i live in doesn’t feel safe enough to walk him at night

but i’m happy here, i think. i do wonder if i weren’t on medication if i’d realize more about how i am feeling. 

i feel positive changes are coming. for me, and for our country. the inauguration of biden happened last wednesday. i got to watch the inauguration for the first time (working virtually from home has its benefits sometimes).  it was powerful.