just wondering about wonders-
i can already see my so-called "necessities" have vanished; i suppose there are many people who will educate you, or give you experience, or enlighten you in some way.
kiss you for the first time
teach you to divide fractions
climbing through a window and falling asleep on the roof
how to really listen to the music
about questioning god
teaching you about how you should be overwhelmed by what happens and doesn't happen when you die
showing you how hearts break
others showing how to revive yourself afterward
and how to dance appropriately in a kitchen and the importance of vodka
but most often these people get lost along the way in some shady corner of your mind "the past" but they served their purpose and slipped away unnoticed.
there's such beauty in the small doses. the temporary. the storm.
but
please
just make it to my future
13 March 2013
07 March 2013
FOR A SENSE OF DIVISION //
late 2011
early 2012
late 2013
return for a summer in spain the heat kills the language melts in my head together reunion the end again all these goodbyes are too familiar again back here school work drink alone
early 2014
here we are living with strangers moving with strangers clean sheets clean thinks
denial destruction depression surreal empty meticulous lost phone calls pleading searching i saw the future as a cloud i saw the past as an anchor
early 2012
progress discovery rebirth formation structure adventure resilience maturation dance drink i saw the future as beautiful i couldn't see the past at all
late 2012
stockholm beauty björnkulla family surreal completion inspiration realization learning growing culture and language incredible friendship interest dance drink the xx spanish and french love reality belonging i saw the future as scary i was apathetic of the past
early 2013
spain goodbyes farewells see you agains loss separation the return the reunion home empty lack of inspiration taking out the garbage the dishes study walk cold society aspirations in summer i was hopeful for the future i was longing for the recent past and completely closing the old past for good
late 2013
return for a summer in spain the heat kills the language melts in my head together reunion the end again all these goodbyes are too familiar again back here school work drink alone
early 2014
here we are living with strangers moving with strangers clean sheets clean thinks
06 March 2013
POST-
something quite obvious, but i only noticed it now
how so much of oneself is based upon their geography
and the personalities you have change depending on your geographical location
and so splitting my personality between here and europe is quite strange
the city makes me see people in a better light. i keep my eyes to the ground. i always dress ok. i am conscious of my movements. my perception of acceptable personal space shrinks. we're close but it's ok because we're all on a train. going this way. the city makes me see people with differences. the lady running outside the store in drottninggatan with the sign. she was crazy but no one stopped to gawk. that is something i learned to appreciate so much. crazy is just crazy and it is neither here nor there, it exists and that is simply that. i am open and prepared for anything because every detail is unexpected. i miss the train in tumba, thus i wait in the station for twenty five minutes until the next. i eat the bread with the polar bears. i drink coke. i talk about tattoos with aitor. it's cold. alberto shares his candy.
pues here, home, i constantly feel objectified. i am cold to society. i know exactly what will happen every single day. i will walk to class. someone will whistle, or honk, or shout obscenities from their car. people are unprepared. everyone looks as if they just came from sleep. no one seems to be aware of others. i feel others looking at me. i think about how they should be keeping their eyes to themselves. i am so unaware of my movements because i lack concern. the environment is baren. the culture is questionable. or maybe i cannot find its attributes anywhere, if they are what i see, i can't appreciate it at all. every movement made, someone is staring. criticizing. and now i am criticizing them for criticizing.
i miss the person i am when im surrounded by feet of snow. icy stairs. cold scenery but warm people. an unintelligible language that i can only appreciate the sounds of. falling into a silent world where everyone could understand me but i cannot understand them. but you realise you are not so different. finally feeling ok.
how so much of oneself is based upon their geography
and the personalities you have change depending on your geographical location
and so splitting my personality between here and europe is quite strange
the city makes me see people in a better light. i keep my eyes to the ground. i always dress ok. i am conscious of my movements. my perception of acceptable personal space shrinks. we're close but it's ok because we're all on a train. going this way. the city makes me see people with differences. the lady running outside the store in drottninggatan with the sign. she was crazy but no one stopped to gawk. that is something i learned to appreciate so much. crazy is just crazy and it is neither here nor there, it exists and that is simply that. i am open and prepared for anything because every detail is unexpected. i miss the train in tumba, thus i wait in the station for twenty five minutes until the next. i eat the bread with the polar bears. i drink coke. i talk about tattoos with aitor. it's cold. alberto shares his candy.
pues here, home, i constantly feel objectified. i am cold to society. i know exactly what will happen every single day. i will walk to class. someone will whistle, or honk, or shout obscenities from their car. people are unprepared. everyone looks as if they just came from sleep. no one seems to be aware of others. i feel others looking at me. i think about how they should be keeping their eyes to themselves. i am so unaware of my movements because i lack concern. the environment is baren. the culture is questionable. or maybe i cannot find its attributes anywhere, if they are what i see, i can't appreciate it at all. every movement made, someone is staring. criticizing. and now i am criticizing them for criticizing.
i miss the person i am when im surrounded by feet of snow. icy stairs. cold scenery but warm people. an unintelligible language that i can only appreciate the sounds of. falling into a silent world where everyone could understand me but i cannot understand them. but you realise you are not so different. finally feeling ok.
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