the things that i learned with you
how bodies can be used
how people can sometimes become a deadly drug
the ease with which i can fall in love on a mattress
not to be in love simply because it is easy in the moment
how to reconstruct my life and learn from these things and never again make blind errors
and the next time i will not lose myself.
28 August 2013
13 August 2013
A FEW WEEKS WITHOUT WRITING
I've been doing a lot of thinking and I've had a lot of ideas but I haven't drawn any certain conclusions (negative or positive) and everything is still a bit of a mess (which I suppose can also be an overused metaphor for life, but no, not this time. at least not this particular life.) Now, I have figured me out. For today, yesterday, tomorrow, next month, and ideas for the next few years. A clear perspective on what's important (to me), and it's important to know what's important (to you) at the meager age of twenty, when most of the rest of your life is based on minuscule decisions you will make in these years, which weigh heavy on your shoulders now. I'm off topic now.
I'm not all here. I'm not all there. I feel completely split between various points of the world and my heart has extreme difficulty with the situation. My parents are eighteen hours away by airplane (on a good day) and I have a handful of friends in Spain and Missouri. My favorite memories are lost forever in Stockholm, and time has robbed me so fast. I can't be all together in one place ever again after expanding my soul this much in a different country. In three different countries. And I never feel at home anywhere anymore. Because for so long I found a home in one person, and now, I am my own home, but I am everywhere. My heart always wants to be somewhere else, in someone else's company, under a foreign sky, breathing in the salty mist of an ocean, eating (tasting) flowers, swimming in cold water, feeling something more. I lose a part of myself in every place and I cannot put myself together again because then my worlds collide and that is even worse than countries breaking me apart.
I feel good being alone. I feel too good. I am worried about how much it is okay for me. I think that maybe it isn't normal. I enjoy company. I love company. I prefer to have people I love around as often as I can, but when I am alone I feel different. The purest me. This music, these words, these clothes, these sounds, I don't know. I want to share solitude with someone else but I don't know where to start and I don't have the attention to do so. This is where relationships with others get messy.
This week I went to the beach in A Coruña. I have so many thoughts about the water. I am in such astonishment about the vastness, infiniteness of the blue. The sky and sea becoming one ethereal entity before me. I ask "how could anyone ever, ever get used to this?" (I want someone who I will never get used to. Surround my life with people from whom I never know what to expect. Unpredictability. I want to live somewhere I never get accustomed to. I never ever want to overlook the beauty of a relationship or a city or a landscape.) but people do get used to it. Just as I am used to looking out from a Missouri balcony and seeing for miles and miles every building, every house, every tree, the flatness of the land displaying everything before me for acres. Just as I am used to the boundless blue sky, the biggest sky I've ever seen, and just as I am used to seeing every single star in the night above me. And the ocean, how can anyone ever find this normal? It is the only thing in nature which shows itself. It demonstrates its strength against the stone, the sand, or the legs of a daring human. Beats against tourists picnics, their bodies, their beach shoes. It is infinite, never gets tired, always performing for me. And it is so proud of itself. You can see it in the way the white foam forms from the force projected onto the stones, the way it protects its creatures, the way the light dances atop its current. I can never contain it, humans can never contain it. It will go on clamoring with the shoreline long after humans have offed themselves. Thus, it is more everlasting than love, or stories, or ideas, and especially humanity.
Reading a book, propped up between my stomach and my legs, I got distracted by the movements of my diaphragm. I see the movements my body automatically creates to stay alive. Inhale, exhale, grow, expand. Return. The body's idiosyncrasies maintaining nations. Toward the sky, back into my body. This is when I realize someday this will all stop. All of the bodies will stop breathing, and we will all decay incredibly still against the raging sea.
I need a video camera. To record the routes that millions of ants take along the sidewalk. The smart colonies working seamlessly together. I think we could learn something from them. To record the speed and style and which a raindrop descends onto a leaf the size of my palm. To record the sway of trees with long arms and unique shapes. To find the colors and the sounds. To create something out of the world around me. The patterns in the wooden floor. The similarities in height and color, from smallest to tallest, from lightest to darkest. I can find space for every color and appreciate the movement in every object.
I'm not all here. I'm not all there. I feel completely split between various points of the world and my heart has extreme difficulty with the situation. My parents are eighteen hours away by airplane (on a good day) and I have a handful of friends in Spain and Missouri. My favorite memories are lost forever in Stockholm, and time has robbed me so fast. I can't be all together in one place ever again after expanding my soul this much in a different country. In three different countries. And I never feel at home anywhere anymore. Because for so long I found a home in one person, and now, I am my own home, but I am everywhere. My heart always wants to be somewhere else, in someone else's company, under a foreign sky, breathing in the salty mist of an ocean, eating (tasting) flowers, swimming in cold water, feeling something more. I lose a part of myself in every place and I cannot put myself together again because then my worlds collide and that is even worse than countries breaking me apart.
I feel good being alone. I feel too good. I am worried about how much it is okay for me. I think that maybe it isn't normal. I enjoy company. I love company. I prefer to have people I love around as often as I can, but when I am alone I feel different. The purest me. This music, these words, these clothes, these sounds, I don't know. I want to share solitude with someone else but I don't know where to start and I don't have the attention to do so. This is where relationships with others get messy.
This week I went to the beach in A Coruña. I have so many thoughts about the water. I am in such astonishment about the vastness, infiniteness of the blue. The sky and sea becoming one ethereal entity before me. I ask "how could anyone ever, ever get used to this?" (I want someone who I will never get used to. Surround my life with people from whom I never know what to expect. Unpredictability. I want to live somewhere I never get accustomed to. I never ever want to overlook the beauty of a relationship or a city or a landscape.) but people do get used to it. Just as I am used to looking out from a Missouri balcony and seeing for miles and miles every building, every house, every tree, the flatness of the land displaying everything before me for acres. Just as I am used to the boundless blue sky, the biggest sky I've ever seen, and just as I am used to seeing every single star in the night above me. And the ocean, how can anyone ever find this normal? It is the only thing in nature which shows itself. It demonstrates its strength against the stone, the sand, or the legs of a daring human. Beats against tourists picnics, their bodies, their beach shoes. It is infinite, never gets tired, always performing for me. And it is so proud of itself. You can see it in the way the white foam forms from the force projected onto the stones, the way it protects its creatures, the way the light dances atop its current. I can never contain it, humans can never contain it. It will go on clamoring with the shoreline long after humans have offed themselves. Thus, it is more everlasting than love, or stories, or ideas, and especially humanity.
Reading a book, propped up between my stomach and my legs, I got distracted by the movements of my diaphragm. I see the movements my body automatically creates to stay alive. Inhale, exhale, grow, expand. Return. The body's idiosyncrasies maintaining nations. Toward the sky, back into my body. This is when I realize someday this will all stop. All of the bodies will stop breathing, and we will all decay incredibly still against the raging sea.
I need a video camera. To record the routes that millions of ants take along the sidewalk. The smart colonies working seamlessly together. I think we could learn something from them. To record the speed and style and which a raindrop descends onto a leaf the size of my palm. To record the sway of trees with long arms and unique shapes. To find the colors and the sounds. To create something out of the world around me. The patterns in the wooden floor. The similarities in height and color, from smallest to tallest, from lightest to darkest. I can find space for every color and appreciate the movement in every object.
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