the plan now is to close my eyes and maybe something genuine will come out of it.  i feel so strange and it is impossible to pinpoint what for.  maybe i'm embarrassed to admit to myself.  for the first time in my life i want something i cannot have and it is the most childish, obnoxious, selfish response to any situation.  my eyes have been opened to things i did not even know i wanted in my life, but i need them now.  it's unbearable.  i do not think i miss my parents.  i can still hear their voices and see their faces.  sometimes i wonder what tina is doing.  if she is happy, if she has someone.  i have a family here.  i do not want to leave.  i do not want to leave.  the idea of it is so heart wrenching.  without anyone to wake me up in the morning for lunch, collectively sitting around a table with homework, hearing languages every day other than my own.  to fear the cold but not face it alone.  i feel very free here and at home will return to the "bell jar" per say.  i think i feel strange because i know i am not appreciating everything like i used to do.  for an entire year of my life, i lived for the moment i could escape my mind and world.  i eventually made it out, and i could not be more thankful, but i miss appreciating every single thing.  i miss feeling independent.  the bowling alley, having bagels and chai tea with tina, hugs on campus, car drives, smoke closets, small bikes, drunk chasing lost cats. finding beauty in the most nonchalant aspects of life.  i am taking everything for granted.  the people, atmosphere, opportunities.  i have to remember that although this experience is fleeting, we will never be all together again, but the relationships built with everyone will last for the rest of my life.  i should write this in a journal, i haven't written a thing in a month.  i'm scared of waiting until the last moments to finally have courage to appreciate everything and i'm scared of not getting exactly the things i want and i feel so powerless to make it.  that's what it is.


i think i need to do things on my own for a bit.  that is what makes me happy.  knowing how well i can be on my own.  this idea becomes complex when i absolutely believe happiness is the most real when it is shared.  maybe that's some old idea i should cleanse myself of.  i am so terrified of loss.  i am in control of my own happiness.   i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.

american football

a beagle with a green collar named señor.
colds. overcoats. head stomach throat.
need to carry my journal with me because i'm forgetting too many things. living so quickly isn't good for my memory and i don't want to forget anything.
the colors of pavement in rain.
training myself to be mature, and fair, and to keep my mouth shut.
love talks. fall trees.
some of my favorite writing i found on some blog from 2008, and i wish i could find something more recent that he's written. i also wish to sit on the björnkulla hills in the forest. to be fully aware that i am living in the best, most influential six months of my entire life.

returning will be to remember our game of who hurt who worse and you know that you won. i know that you won. but it's in my hands now and we're both losers. i refuse. and to move forward means i've already won. try not to put anymore edibles in the dishwasher. so i can laugh on the phone and drive to see you at four am. it was the worst but the best we could have. we failed each other but we kept pushing on.

"i know i lose track of you sometimes
i lose track of myself sometimes
i lose track of my grammar sometimes

all the eyes look like yours
i live you"

overcompensating again. this is so sloppy.

i constantly push forward.

you didn't make it this far for good reasons.
happy friday, september 21, 2012. another beautiful day in stockholm. no ties to anything or anyone.

perfect.
progression.

To wake up for the sunrise. To sit on a mountain, lie in a road, swing on a veranda when the world wakes up. To think and to feel that I am the only person in my hemisphere conscious, resulting in a full mind, quiet, unremitting thoughts. I am the only person awake right now.  I am the only person to witness this. These colors are all for me. The silhouettes of trees for me. Reflection of pinks, yellows, purples in water.  The layers of the horizon. The edge of the world. That’s how I feel, living here. Bjornkulla has been an unreal experience.

manchester orchestra

something about listening to my old favorite music in relation to where i am now and where my life is going now is the strangest sense of nostalgia. for years i just drove in cars for music and lived for nothing. thinking of the past five years, all i see is a montage of kissing and driving in cars, discovering neutral milk hotel, your body for me. and love. (when i visualize love, i see your smile-because of me, the movement of your hands, the smell of your skin, your collarbones under your shirt, the shape of your stomach, jawline, the way your knees are weird and how your nose fits. your voice in the morning. licking your face. the softness of your neck. the taste of your mouth. singing under blankets. caught in the symmetry of your mind. piggy back rides down the stairs. dancing in the living room. anything that can occur with another person in a four year time span, did occur with you.)  something about the different sunsets fucks me up a bit. and something about never, ever, ever, ever thinking i'd be here. i can't delve into the past year at this point. the darkest parts one can experience for such a short timeline. i'm admiring my own improvements now, and i can hear manchester orchestra and feel nothing for you. still anxious for times when your name, your face, and your voice have nothing over me.

i wish i could get some of those experiences back to save for someone else. but if that could happen, i wouldn't be the same, you wouldn't be the same, and i wouldn't know everything i'm capable of. to feel something that some will never feel makes me very glad and grateful for where i've been.

islands of half foots and knee diseases

i cant pronounce the sounds ive never heard.
i cant be arsed to use an apostrophe or capitalize anything.

camaraderie in kitchens. seems to be a quite common and steady occurrence throughout my early adulthood. i miss evenings in matt and kevin's kitchen being surrounded by the most beautiful people with the most imaginative minds. all of it. but here it's different, mostly in a good way. even if i can't express myself well enough, i suppose everyone else feels similar

camaraderie in kitchens. first smores. buckets of sangria. exploration. group escalators. sweden's lakes in september.


to be on my own in a foreign place has to be nearly one of the very best things in life.

absence

to not think of you in time gives me so much to hope for
and to know that i don't need or even want you makes me feel completely completely new
there are people much nicer and who share the same world as i do
i feel like myself again after five years and i can finally finally breathe on my own

to experience everything. what things i have done thus far. haven't mentioned it to anyone and perhaps that's even half of who i am. but they'll see soon maybe. it isn't important anymore. i'm so so very happy.

my mind is constantly making noises but it's hard to articulate anything substantial
half of my words cannot be used and the other half do not exist??