something about listening to my old favorite music in relation to where i am now and where my life is going now is the strangest sense of nostalgia. for years i just drove in cars for music and lived for nothing. thinking of the past five years, all i see is a montage of kissing and driving in cars, discovering neutral milk hotel, your body for me. and love. (when i visualize love, i see your smile-because of me, the movement of your hands, the smell of your skin, your collarbones under your shirt, the shape of your stomach, jawline, the way your knees are weird and how your nose fits. your voice in the morning. licking your face. the softness of your neck. the taste of your mouth. singing under blankets. caught in the symmetry of your mind. piggy back rides down the stairs. dancing in the living room. anything that can occur with another person in a four year time span, did occur with you.) something about the different sunsets fucks me up a bit. and something about never, ever, ever, ever thinking i'd be here. i can't delve into the past year at this point. the darkest parts one can experience for such a short timeline. i'm admiring my own improvements now, and i can hear manchester orchestra and feel nothing for you. still anxious for times when your name, your face, and your voice have nothing over me.
i wish i could get some of those experiences back to save for someone else. but if that could happen, i wouldn't be the same, you wouldn't be the same, and i wouldn't know everything i'm capable of. to feel something that some will never feel makes me very glad and grateful for where i've been.