I didn't take my meds because I felt like writing. I checked my email, noted there is nearly half of my licensure paperwork I haven't completed yet, because the state of Illinois is so FUCKING confusing, so now I don't feel like writing and I feel insane. I decided my paperwork and loose ends can wait until tomorrow morning.
I learned about a girl selling her books on amazon for $0.99, $1.99, $2.99, respectively. I want to try that but I can't justify to myself selling anything I write. I can't come up with a good reason for why I would need to put a price on what I've done. Every author does it. I wish I could hear the conversation of authors with themselves about that. It's not worth .99 to me, it's worth my entire life, but at the same time, not worth anyone else having. What use is it to anyone else, it's self-indulgent and shitty, but I do have a sense of pride over it. I'm curious if I could still feel proud if I asked others to pay for it. Then it would have to be worth the $2.99 or whatever. What if no one would get $2.99 worth of enjoyment out of reading my years of shit. ( I should probably take my meds.)
I'm feeling triggered because I was at my parents' yesterday and I spent the night there. It's been 24 years and there's still no 'intentional' time spent. When your parents dont see you for four months, but turn down going to get coffee with you? then i spent the afternoon alone at their house while they were both going on with their every day lives. It's fine but around 11:00am i asked myself why am i here. It's actually not fine, i'm in a shitty mood now.
It's hard to explain to people how it is living in a new city. I've been in Chicago for just over 4 months, and it is really hard. It's a good hard, but life itself is just more difficult in a city. i.e. getting groceries, parking, driving, doing laundry, picking up packages, ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC every day i can do about three things and then the day is over because it takes such time to get anywhere and wait in line and shit. I love chicago. there's so much to SEE and DO and the people are so queer and friendly and midwestern. I love the lake. I love logan square. trees and green of the boulevards. the opportunities and experiences all available if i want them. life is easy in missouri but it also makes me feel dead inside and that's what people cant fucking understand.