the light at the end of your troubled tunnel

we're "floating on a sea of differences" someone

i was very close to

once said.

a lunch alone

convince yourself that everything is ok
you fill your life with substances for purchase
in
excess

maybe you're not empty anymore
but you will miss me when you have no one

that remembers what you would like to order at the movie theater.

i don't know what any of this means

so many things are romanticized, you know,
and i can't romanticize everything

mckenzie the sociologist

the park tonight with two of my most favorite people
soemetimes i feel like it isn't real, how lucky i became to meet such amazing beautiful humans. i couldn't have hand chosen anyone better. we walked to the park and i climbed up the slide and kenzie walked on the moving discs like lava, and she is wonderful.
she says i miss you and i love you,
and tomorrow kenz kevin and i will all be together and i hope we go to amsterdam in decmber, i really hope, they are such beautiful people,

she just wants to change things.

domestic goddesses and temper tantrums

tabletops and rooftops
careening under the floorboards and time
time








time
dragons
i have the greatest friends in the world if they weren't in my life i'd be completely lost

homesick as an astronaut

i've been working on this thing, and it isn't nearly complete, though perhaps it never could be

that's the trouble with writing i can not ever fully divulge exactly what i mean into just words

though i suppose that's because i'm not a very good writer, because that's not how everyone feels

it's how if felt upon returning home from europe. family asking how london and paris were and i get almost rather bitter about it. there is no way to express things sometimes unless you live it and it frustrates the hell out of me because not everything i experience is tangible. the stories that i tell could never express the experience i had. i hate to cheapen it by sounding unimpressive in words. it wasn't about everything i saw or did, it was about how it made me feel to walk around the city of london at night alone. to hear a different language around every corner. the beauty of diversity.

so i say that it was an amazing experience and leave it at that.

so i've been working on this thing, but it may never be complete. it's about existence, trial and error/mutations, the anatomy of humans. things i am absolutely fascinated by. that's why i hate to share it. i could never write something to relay how truly magnificent human life is. i began to write at work and now have a whole document saved and so much research open about the subject. humans, man, and no one appreciates it

Warrensburg

sitting on the porch in this amazing weather in this rolly chair the water is dripping from the roof where it's about to cave in, i will be gone when that happens, but it has been such a rainy week

american spirits and vodka and every single kind of beautiful music

carving into windows with thumbtacks something that resembles diamonds, then climbing through them
talking about where we've been lately

maybe we will go cliff diving i hope so, to experience life with you is my favorite 

dinner with my parents and carol and mike, mushrooms, tea, a pay check, naps way into the afternoon

these things have made me happy lately. i'm so thankful. sweden in 53 days.

I woke up today in a very simple way

I’m having the greatest summer ever thanks to the beautiful people in my life.  I’m so so very happy.  The Missouri sky has been unbelievable the last few days.  I’m simply enjoying my last two months in the states with my friends and family.  I’m never going to be the same when I get back so this is special, and the last bit I will be this same person. Such a weird thing to feel that I can’t explain.

I have class almost everyday, try to exercise and swim laps afterward, walk in the evenings, hours of homework at night, and now I’m working two jobs.  I’m so unmotivated to do schoolwork because I’m just too excited about what’s going on in my life and how drastically things are about to change. My 4.0 will be no longer, and I hope my mom isn’t too upset, but what’s a 4.0 in place of happiness.

where is my mind

So many people are so completely wrapped up in themselves and it is so apparent in the way they choose to represent themselves 

there is such beauty in sitting up late around a fire pit singing, there is such beauty in dancing in a small apartment, there is such beauty in sleeping on your friend’s couches, there is such beauty in really taking responsibility for your happiness for the first time.

I would encourage many people I know to go out, love everyone you meet, converse with anyone who will listen, find a way to relate to everyone, learn to paint or make music or write or photograph or draw or climb mountains or understand math or point out constellations to someone who can’t see them, swing in a park under the night sky, noise parties, drive in your car with wind and music and friends, or just about anything that doesn’t involve keys and a screen.

Completely free of you for the first time

Upon seeing an old photo of a friend and myself earlier this evening, I turned to Raymond and stated how differently I look now. This was met with a response saying that I look exactly the same. Rather.

So.

It is on the inside where I have changed. Any photos from the “before” time seem so distant. That is the only way to describe it.

I went through so much since my “before” self. More than I care to admit to myself. I’ve become quite good at forgetting. The details of things are no longer clear. This whole year I lived for the time when things would get better, and they did not until I started living for myself and finding happiness in everyday.

Each new day is the best day of my life. What other way to live? My friends have taught me these things. To hold your hand out the window when driving, just to let the wind fly through it; to look up to the sky and smile at the sunshine, feel it on your face and your arms and shoulders and to be happy because nature is an amazing thing and the trees and beauty of our world are astounding; to stay up late, smoke a cigarette sometimes just for fun, to dance even if I’m terrible. To sit, and think, read, and have that be enough. I live everyday for myself and my own happiness.

I had wanted to take a shovel and hollow out my insides, just to empty them of everything you taught me. To cleanse myself of you. Now the space is full of happiness and what could only be called experience. I loved and lost and now I can do anything. Nothing to hold me back and I am completely, completely free of you for the first time.

I wonder, now. What will it be like to look at a photo of me from today in a year’s time. Will I have been happier now than I am then? Surely it’s not possible. To live a life of my own in Sweden--to experience so much more and grow completely into myself in my new head and heart. To fill myself up with life. To explore my world. I will think of how young and unknowing I was now. What a process life is. A long, amazing, all-learning, all-loving process.

My only fear is to return to the “before” time. I am certain I will not relapse. I am much different now. There is so much more that I need to experience. I am scared of how life is passing so fast. Only half a year ago, I could barely function properly or make it through the day. I didn’t eat or sleep for months. I want to take in every single moment in life for all it is worth. My time in Sweden will go by so fast that I am terrified I will miss something important and not have time to appreciate everything. I miss it already, and do not even leave for two and a half more months. 

Back to regular life

So, right after returning from Europe, I moved into my new house in Warrensburg where I'll be living for the next two and a half months. I started my anatomy class already and am currently avoiding homework, but I'm somewhat sick at the moment so it's excusable... I've been sleeping all day and I can never do that so that's how I know I'm really, truly sick. 

Yesterday, Ryan, Katelyn and I went to Buzz Beachball...I saw The Antlers after a year of non-stop obsessing over Hospice. A completely, unbelievably perfect album that they did not play a single song off of. But I did get a photo with Peter Silberman, the vocalist, and it was a great day! The night ended with Katelyn and I dancing tons to Foster the People and a chicken sandwich at Winstead's. So that's my kind of day. 

For now, I'm just going to try to sleep off this sickness and lay in bed watching Doctor Who. I've gotten everything completed for study abroad and have even ordered my one way ticket to Sweden. I leave August 15th! I got paired with my student mentor, and she seems wonderful. I applied to volunteer at a musical festival, Popaganda, the week after I arrive, so hopefully that will work out. I sent in all my visa forms, and got my room assignment in Björnkulla as well. I've already started counting down the days and I can't wait until I arrive. So much more of life to experience.... just two more months. I am honestly so excited. I still can't believe it's really happening because I've wanted it for so long. 

Palace of Versailles

I paid a bit extra to travel to the Palace of Versailles, and it was so worth it. The Hall of Mirrors and the gardens were amazing. I took over one hundred pictures of chandeliers.

Paris

Paris was way different from London. It was more beautiful, architecturally, and the landscaping was incredible. It was almost so different for me though, that I didn't like standing out so much. I had a fantastic time nonetheless. I had several awkward encounters trying to order food, asking for directions, etc. considering my lack of any kind of French language knowledge. It very was fun though. I tried. And I learned some words, more than I started with anyway. The culture was great. Our lack of culture here astounds me. It's just, nothing. There's nothing to define it, at all. The art, music, food, and people were all wonderful. 

The first signs of France from the Eurostar we took from London. 

It was so surreal seeing the Eiffel Tower. We ate ice cream next to the Seine River. Then had a boat cruise which was just beautiful. 

Out of the window in our room. I could see the moon from our window. The weather was perfect and we could sleep with the window open. 

Thé avec du lait. Merci. I forgot my jacket here on a chair and a very nice man brought it back to me. 

Notre Dame was unbelievable. So so beautiful. 

We had lunch at an Edith Piaf memorial-ish café. In which we ordered wine and a cheese plate and I had some delicious spaghetti. The last picture is with our tour guide, Derrick, who made our trip so much better. 

The Louvre. 

My favorite place in Paris. There were artists with their work sitting everywhere, live music, crepes, and drinks. An amazing evening. 

 Our last night in Paris. Tina and I walked around for a long time, and ended up on the lawn right underneath the Eiffel Tower. We bought some cheap wine, and I bought some not so cheap beer, and we had a fabulous final evening watching the tower light up. Couldn't have asked for a better trip.