BEING BORED WITH PERFECTION IS MY GREATEST DOWNFALL

i'm not sure who i'm writing for anymore; i want to live more to write more to understand more to feel more.  i want to write with something more in mind; some total nonsense that even i can't determine the structure of or fixate a connection with the outside world; which exists purely inside of me, from mouth to mouth, tongues over and under, ear to neck to fingertips, hollowing out what's inside and tossing it to the page in a legible manner; i need and i don't need this.

i'm just curious what you're talking about over coffee with her, if indeed there is a her or a he, if indeed you are drinking coffee.  and i wonder who or what is causing friction in your brain whenever you move.  i wonder if you smoke cigarettes regularly now.  tell me, what makes you want to breathe, what sounds make you want to dance, and if you're eating three meals a day.  i hope you've taken the time to appreciate the night sky and the total absence of light pollution.  tell me about the books you've read this year, if indeed you've read a good book this year.  explain what self discoveries you've discovered in an attempt to find your bliss in the discovery.  i wonder how you enjoy spending your sunday afternoons; are you nursing a hangover from the night before? or do you wake up early to create something on paper or on a guitar? i'm curious about what you love as of late.

i spend my time cursing about the pain in my eyes and i spend my time wondering if this is an appropriate use of my time.

I HAD SOME WINE

think it

create it

give it

take it

touch it 

hold me

shut it

lock it

fuck it

take it

close it

empty it

throw it

sing me something 

tell me something you're thinking under there

every detail 

how have you been

i think that i cant spend more time her e in this car

the problem lies in the way your face changes. in the way that it will never be the same as it was and it never was the same as it is.

WHILE WE'RE FLOATING IN SIESTAS

what am i doing? applying lipstick. drinking a coffee with ice because the spanish heat could kill. i'm listening to the kind of music that's been on my computer forever, but is always ignored. maybe to discover some hidden gem

give me one day to breathe in an extravagant cityscape
investigate, create
conundrums in space and discussing how to manage what's on my plate, heLP?

my hair is drying
the lifeguard is crying
that wasnt even intentional rhyming
but i think it might be true. to my left out the window and there he is. wiping his arm from left to right across his face, but maybe it's his brow. it's hard to tell in spain if it's sweat or tears

let's just have a drink and we can discuss the sweat and tears of our nations
and now my words are beginning to sink under my skin, so you eat my afflictions

you know what i think of you, nine eight seven two two seven five one three three three twelve?
i think you are going to die sad and die alone some day and not understand why. but what did you expect. thanks for listening now, you were nice for a very long while, but you left me underneath in the sea and now im disposing of your ghost here, in the abyss, along with the other creatures of the night

THE MAGIC HOURS

[drinks coffee at table. leonard cohen's "suzanne" plays a bit too quietly. the light is off. the windows are flushed with white. curtains, lacy. pours into a mug. slides silently across table. deep breath.]
--
tell me what you are. what swims in your brain. what fish do you most closely identify with? have you spent past sundays sleeping in a lawn chair in your grandparent's front yard? is there a lake nearby covered in cattails? have you ever stolen alcohol from your parents? would they care or could you have just asked? who encouraged you to smoke your first cigarette? are you still in contact with this person today? do you wash your hair every day? or just use water? do you believe in always locking the door? what sounds do you hear when you fall asleep at night? what do you see when you close your eyes? how far away are your feet from your head? how far away is your head from the present? what age changed you the most? i never want to stop growing. do you feel satisfied? do you feel perfect the way you are? are you afraid that a new experience will change you and you will miss your old self? do you believe in society?  have you ever felt really sad? do you believe in a future? do you care about saving ourselves from extinction?

[moves from kitchen table to sofa]
--
how do you feel about this sofa? do you think maybe it would get too hot in the summer, too cold in the winter, this leather? how many people have you kissed that you didnt really want to kiss in retrospect? have you ever hurt anyone's heart before? do you believe in love? in trees? in the summertime? do you notice the colours of the sky? the waves in water? the breeze through the window? can you see constellations? do you believe in astrological horoscopes? do you have any allergies because i love peanut butter. how do you like to eat your popcorn? have you ever been really good at something? what is your favorite thing to do outside? do you like to count when you cant sleep? do you like to count at all? what is your favorite set of the multiplication tables? say the first word that comes to mind when i say: sex. gin. mutation. mutilation. did you ever try to talk underwater? did you ever think you were in love with someone? do you prefer the day or the night? do you prefer to think about your own sadness or someone else's sadness? when did you stop believing in santa claus? what country is the favorite country of all the countries you have ever traveled to? do you think there is a place for you here? when you are alone what does your brain talk to you about? from what experience have you learned the most? do you usually use the elevator? would you prefer to break someones heart or have your heart broken? when is the time you felt the happiest? do you think youll ever feel that happy again?

[shift]
--
i think you talk too much. you smile too much when you dont mean it. you laugh when you feel sorry.  you laugh because you want me. you're not here for the right reasons. you're here to psychoanalyze someone to see if they are crazy enough to satisfy you. you listen to classical music when you're studying because that's what your mum told you to do. now it just makes you miss her. why do you want to cry every time you have to study? i am human. you are human. we are all fucked up humans destroying the world one synchronized breath at a time. im stealing your oxygen right now. im fucking up your heart right now. because youll finally have found someone you feel safe enough about your mental state with and i wont want you in return. ill never want you. that's who i am. i dont remember feeling sad. i dont remember feeling happy. i am in the here, and the now, and i dont want to kill you, but if you could just slide over here, and i can create a diagram of your ashes so maybe i can piece my mind back together again with ur brain paste

BOOK OF LONGING

i dont remember lighting this cigarette and i don't remember if i'm here alone or waiting for someone

THANKS SPANISH AMERICAN GIRL WHO TAUGHT ME SOMETHING SO INTRIGUING

a few days ago i spoke with an american (in person) for the first time in nearly two months. it was an eleven year old girl from spain who has lived in the US for two years. so i wouldn't even say 'american' but while speaking with her, without previous knowledge, it would have fooled me. but how insightful, what a relief that i didn't even know i needed, if even for just a moment.  her intonation. the pragmatics. proxemics. pauses. the rhythm. gestures. the closure. these are things i never totally took notice or made an account of when speaking at home. though all of my friends from spain are fluent in english, these are things i never noticed that they lack. i am completely comfortable speaking with them and never feel  the need to alter my vocabulary or simplify my sentences. but these are moments in which culture and language are intertwined. and while they are fluent in english, they will never be 'culturally' american neither will i ever be 'culturally' spanish. and even if i became as fluent as i  could ever possibly become, these small but so obviously different cultural aspects reveal everything i could never hide

dammit! i want to live every culture and every language wholly