NORMAN

some classy and elegant affection
i sit on the sofa under a blanket when the bloomin microwave begins to speak to me about rain barrels
i am half awake in the backseat next to a pile of books and the car is treating me like a roller coaster scaling the ocean painted sky
and i realize the depth in which cities are built like bodies
these similarities in structure becoming most evident in the obliteration of the human

i used cranium mouthwash to forget about the excavation of your eye sockets. to forget about the damage from the astroids, the flames, the flooding, the nuclear disasters and each death. to forget about the newfound prominence and the contour of your nose and cheeks. to forget about the crumbling and decaying cityscape. as the sky above becomes more evident

you told me about an orange tree in california
and miscalculating the mileage and mistracking the distance
and posing for a photograph, you drove the car into the Great Salt Lake
so you slept outside

i think ultimately i will glow into you

MY SLEEPING DESIGNS

throughout the day placing you delicately aside. as if this matters now. as if this mattered. you might be empty and i think you might be arduous. there's nothing of you here anymore and i dont care about the odd numbers.
and one would think, after meticulously parading through my consciousness all day, you could, for my sake and yours, take the nights off. breathe, expand, dream, expand
but here you persist. right here. right in my stupid dreams. asleep with the paralysis of stupid sleep thoughts. i prefer to think it is astral projection, but i can only let my imagination take us so far. and it's not because i have nothing to say, i have lots of things. and it's not because i don't have anything to feel, because i have plenty of that too.
it's just that it's so sure that you are here. i awake, and at once, no longer. and from there, i don't know what my mornings mean at all anymore.
i have so many concerns. how do you even get in there. we're not in communication, we're beyond the limitations of our senses; my nerve endings are disconnected, the vibrations in our eardrums are enigmatic. and actually, i can't even be sure that you exist anymore. so i am wondering, what determines my sleep thinks? i'm wondering what aspects of you are most prevalent and most obvious to my dreaming state. i wonder if i remember things when i'm asleep that i have no conscious recollection of.
most of all, i could sleep better if you just weren't around. and speaking of, everything i dream is too vivid that i am sleeping terribly and i think it is because when i'm inside them, i'm so happy. isn't that scary? just give me some rest or something.

THE STRUGGLE TO LOCALIZE

just some things i've been thinking of
the way honey reacts in cold water, strung out like veins in my apricot tea, and i can watch it solidify in the glass. its own free form, something like golden lightening in my drink.
the rate of reaction from ice into steaming water. instantaneously cracks, pops, shrinks. it takes so many to overpower the heat.
the patterns of incense. smoke swirling and swimming in the air. thickening, smoothing out. dancing for me
driving alone, downing coffee, screaming lyrics where conor oberst has completely lost it and i begin to feel ive completely lost it too. the way the sun feels, the way the wind feels coming in the window, the way i can yell at passerbyers so that maybe they can lose themselves too


to be continued
everything is really wonderful and i want everyone to see it in the simplest details.

ELEGANCE

tu eres sonido puro.

OCTOBER 2011

a thing i wrote a few days after ending a four year relationship. this is what i meant by wanting to go around living as a raw nerve again. the vividness in life during times of incredible vulnerability are incomparable.

" i guess i'm just glad that i'm here
still alive
still breathing
i've never been so aware
of my surroundings
of my movements
of my feelings
i've never been so aware that i am a living breathing human
i've never felt so much all at once
i want to feel weightless again
everything back into place
feel secure
i don't know what the fuck i'm doing
but i'm taking one day at a time
and for now
it's working "

there's nothing interesting in the writing. it's not good writing. it was just pure. and i miss feeling so pure. i discovered so much of myself in those few months of destruction and lived so alone and yet so completely and so on edge and so unexpectedly. i've just recovered now, moved on, grown up, and transformed into a much less naïve member of society. i've leveled out. i don't want to feel so level. i prefer to be striving for something every day. self improvement, learning, growth.  appreciating experiences in such a way because i knew how badly i needed those experiences. holding onto my friends for dear life. getting lost in my car. screaming. feeling some kind of hatred which can only come from loving someone too much. don't know. just want to grow. i want a process to focus on.

A BIOGRAPHY

im sniffin glue
missing you
in my prison suite
my revisionist alphabet soup
spells out your initials, cute
noodles bamboozle in a language thats truthful
but my words are just human
my verbiage is dooming
me to walk these streets
and fly these kites
and cliche beats
and fuck those eyes
until im just my picture's picture picturin
less real than steel inflictions

read the inscription
and before i leave on my mission
to wage a war of attrition
on this degrading position
of a painful condition
human condition
slap my face
bite my throat
and eat out my affliction

aslongasidream

WHERE YOU'LL FIND ME NOW

How to lose gracefully????

I miss going around living as a raw nerve. 

____________

the enigmatic jambalaya has the chutzpah to be meatloaf.