How to disappear completely

I had a good night. It’s one of the last times I’ll be with all my friends for a very long time. Amanda, Andrea, and I played the face game which is a game we created and it was fun. And then I cut myself with sharp things and Kev helped me find peroxide but they didn’t have any bandaids but it is always a good idea to wash off the peroxide with water then. Jesse braided my hair which was lovely because he is lovely.  Then I yelled at everyone about politics for a few hours. I’m so very embarrassing. Then I found a pillow and carried it around for a really long time. But then some kid, I can’t remember if he was Josh or John, stood on the table and said “naturally” a lot and then punched the ceiling and shouted FUCK THE CEILING repeatedly for some reason so he outdid my stupidness at least. Hopefully no one will remember about how I ceaselessly verbally harassed them to GO FUCKING VOTE. It was a good night anyway.

Finally finding people that appreciate you so much is so great.

End

Year has come to a close. It's the last weekend before finals. I'm trying to enjoy everything. It's strange to think about how, at this point, life is so fleeting. I will move out of my dorm a week from today, and there are people I will never see again. Or maybe I'll see some, but we'll never all be together again, living in the same place at the same point in our lives. Everything seems so temporary in retrospect. But I suppose that's what makes it special. That for this moment, we're all great friends. I'm sure we'll lose touch eventually, but the people I've met and the things I've experienced will impact me forever. So tonight, we'll enjoy our last meal together as a big stupid college family. College is such a weird time in a person's life and I've only just now realized it. For four years, you're surrounded by people in the exact same uncomfortable stage in-between letting go of your childhood and morphing into some working class adult. It takes a lot to push the past aside and grow into a new person, and all of my friends here have helped me and without them, I don't know where I would be. I didn't know I could be so happy. Maybe we won't all be living here anymore, but I'll never forget this year and how much it changed me.

I'll think of more to say later.

Everything was worth it and I'm glad I stayed.

I'll be ready for some stability soon. But right now, I'm happy.

Droppin' It Big.....

Warm weather Sonic picnic. Searching for rocks. Elissa loves geology. We encountered some LARPers and some hiking trails. My best friends here. My hair is messy. Only a few more days of school. I'm going to miss everyone so much. 

Are you looking for wine?

Spent last night celebrating Big Kev's birthday with everyone. Lots of beer and hot dogs. Then we all went outside to watch the meteor shower. Also, invaded the house that lacks furniture but has a lot of dancing, again. We are the whitest people alive. Stephanie randomly riding a tiny bike with a beer in her mouth. Laying on the road watching the sky. All of my friends are so adorable. 

We'll All Float On

Tina and I got henna tattoos. Fitzgerald/Warrensburg in general finally feels more like home, just when it's time to leave. The town itself isn't so great, but I have met some of the best people here.

 Friday, Amanda, Andrea and I went to the Plaza/Jerusalem Café. I spent way too much money but had such a great time. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and Forever and then the hookah bar and it was so very swell.

Only two more weeks of school left and I have so much homework I could die.

Limousine

Never have to buy adjacent plots of earth

Never have to rot together underneath dirt

Never have to lose my baby in the crowd

I should be laughing right now

So much to say about this. I won't though.

Parent's Weekend

Yesterday was a terrific day. Andrea and I went to lunch at Blackadder, went to Rue 21, and then had an Arrested Development marathon the rest of the day. It was parents weekend, so Amanda's family came down to visit and we all went to the bars. It was a side of Warrensburg I've never seen before and it was so much fun! I felt like I was on vacation, even! Afterward, we went to Country Kitchen and I had chocolate pancakes and oh it was a fabulous evening. I forgot to bring my camera so I stole these from Amanda's mom.

red blooded/white skinned/and i think i've got the blues

I stumbled upon some random person's old, abandoned blog, and I found this and I read it often because I love it so much. I read it the first time around Christmastime, and it has stuck with me since then. This post is from 2008, but some are even older, and he's so very fascinating to read...There's just something about growing up and realizing there's so much more to life than being sad... it doesn't get you anywhere and I think this is a great way to put it:


i used to be one of those kids who romanticized sadness and self destruction
i only really felt like an artist when retracing the hurt and the ugly feelings
i only felt like i was really living when i felt desperately like i did not really want to be alive
i used to think the only truly beautiful people were the truly sad ones

but now
when i have seen and tasted so much that is sweet
and have realized that all of the joys and pains i have experienced and want to experience
are dependent upon my being alive
not just surviving but really, euphorically, violently alive

i can still find beauty in sadness
but i understand that that beauty in pain and struggle
only exists in contrast to the joy that is sought beyond that unhappiness

and i can no longer enjoy things like the poetry of sylvia plath
and i honestly most of it as totally self indulgent
and petty

and i now wish that all those who feel how i used to feel
and romanticize self defeating self pitying despair
would learn to stop fighting their own happiness
and grow up
and feel the sun on their skin
and the bitterness in the breeze
and the blackberry tingle on their tongues

and start living for something else than their own eventual "perfect and romantic" suicide

21 Shots

Amanda took her 21 shots last night. Entertaining, to say the least. After this, I left Fitter's and went to a couple other places. It was a weird night. Some noteworthy things: Jesse's piggy back rides, almost dying falling backwards into dark, scary, basement stairs, getting sweater in my eyeball, tipping over a couch, meeting Yusef, a Saudi Arabian with a cane, eating some other girl's taco bell (typical), then Ray's car died. It was a weird night. 

I'm an adult

So, two things I've been meaning to mention. I'll try to be brief because I'm quite good at rambling when it comes to free writing, which generally comes in handy for writing essays. But this is a blog?

Anyway, two things. This concerns growing up and maturing.

Having platonic friendships is important. And with age, I realize that it's possible. I just think it's a big step to be able to talk to/hang out with/confide in others without having weird feelings for them. Or maybe I'm just an emotionless freak. But no! It's important if I say so. Some of my favorite friends this year/semester are of the male persuasion, perhaps most, even. And they're very great. It's wonderful to hear new outlooks on topics and such, or hear ideas and thoughts on things I wouldn't usually think of.  Various perspectives are cool.

Secondably, this is perhaps more important, yes. More important because I say so, and..because it is.  To get along with everyone.  All sorts of people.  To be able to relate to and hold conversations with people different from yourself. And to accept them and appreciate them for who they are. So someone doesn't like the same music as me, etc, whatever, they're still probably really wonderful. And honestly, learning to think this way has taught me to like everyone. People always say things like, "I'm not quiet/shy/sad/etc., I just hate all of you," or things of that nature. And how childish isn't that? So you're thirty years old and you don't like the people in your office/workplace/what the hell ever building, it's just something you have to overcome. Anyway it's quite childish and it's a good thing to make friends with everyone, that's all. I have all sorts of friends interested in all sorts of things and they've taught me so much. I just don't think befriending everyone they meet is something very many people strive to do, but more should.

I've matured and changed so much this year alone. I mean, leaps and bounds worth. I look at my old self and cringe. I can't imagine how much different a semester abroad will make me. I'm going to grow so much. I'll read this a year from now and think of how silly I sound. Good. As if that isn't the point.

You're No Secret

Orphan City - You're No Secret

"I could feel alive in a ghost town with you around, and I could feel so dead in a crowded city without you there." 

I used to sing this to you all the time. I even had you convinced that I wrote it at one point.  I still think the lyrics are lovely anyway.  Simple, but real.  I think it's great that a person can make you feel like that and I miss it.  Cute song anyway.

Palpitation

Palpitation - What If 

What if I love you?

I've been listening to so much Palpitation lately. It's another great Swedish band. Not to mention, I'll be there in four months. Can you believe it? Hope to not only have an amazing experience there, but hopefully see some of my favorite bands as well. 

Easter

Thursday, the usual. Ray, Kenz, Jesse, and Kevin are all really super. Since the older folks were at the bars celebrating Matt's 21st, all the underagers hung out for a bit beforehand which was quite nice.

I did not have intentions to go home this weekend, but everyone else ended up leaving, so home I went. Friday I spent the night at Tatyana's, watched some stand-up, as per usual, and took some sleeping pills and passed out at 10:30 and didn't wake up until the afternoon. Best sleep all year after a rough week. She tends to make everything better.

Saturday I stayed at Sarah and Blake's and we had a campfire and roasted marshmallows and made s'mores which were very fabulous. Then played uno, some videogames, and Blake and I watched Doctor Who for several hours. My family is so terrific.

Sunday, today, was Easter and we all gathered at grandma's for lasagna and desert and stuff. I feel lost sometimes without you, especially at things like that, but I'm getting used to it. Or, have gotten used to it, rather. Anyway it was nice, and now I'm back at school and very ready for bed. Now to watch some of The O.C. and pass out. Three more weeks of school, then finals. Almost finished. Will be so thankful to get out of this routine.

So much to do this week. Tomorrow I'm going to class an hour early for extra practice (is this what I have to do to keep my 4.0?) then I have a study abroad association meeting and a choir performance to attend for my music appreciation class. Tuesday is my first soccer game...ever. Then the rest of the week is quite busy as well, an exam, meetings, hair and eye doctor appointments. Need sleep now.

Weekend

Friday I went to Jesse's and we all played Soulcalibur and it was very fun but my favorite part was the Arrested Development marathon afterward.  Nothing much better than that, really. And I played with his pet rat, Alice. They're all very great people, too, and I'm so happy.

Saturday day we went exploring and played frisbee.

Saturday evening we went to Matt's where Kevin made some pasta that was very delicious and we ventured to another house where we could sit on the roof. Very great.

Sunday I slept in very late and then that evening Katelyn made smoothies and we sat on her porch and listened to music and it was very nice. And then we watched The Sandlot and I had frozen pizza.