BLURRED

it's high time now to take a moment out of the day and write something that's been long overdue. since today is thanksgiving at home, what better day to write about how incredibly grateful i am for the past year of my life.

the autumn of last year is completely hazy for me. i tried my best to avoid the entire idea of existence. i was the most alone and isolated i had ever been; i gained no sense of independence from it, but rather the opposite, quite trapped inside my own head and unable to look ahead or see my own life without you in it.

i had only two ideas for a solution: first, let go of everything. i succeeded. (even now, i can't recall much about the four years we spent together and it is absolutely surreal in retrospect. just small visions of us kissing under a blanket, sometimes i see you driving a car and we're singing together, other times you're chasing me up the stairs or we're dancing for fun or you're making me ice cream with a broken blender....i can't remember even half of the words we spoke, and just yesterday i found myself questioning the way we held hands because i can't remember anymore. and what were things we said before bed? the only thing i could do was to repress the memories of everything we'd done. maybe sometime i'll want to remember, but still i cannot recall much at all.  my second solution was when i discovered the only way i felt okay was if i felt nothing and detached myself completely from my surroundings. and still, i find myself completely lacking of emotion because of this. in all honesty, the only emotion i can even feel is happiness. i promised myself once i got over everything, i would never be sad again, and i haven't been.

i can't recall any dates or events in particular up until late december, and nothing happy stands out. aside from trying my hardest to be the best i could be, i failed.  i remember what a job it was to try to fall asleep at night, forcing television that reminded me of you out of my sight, skipping through theme songs i'd sing, just shutting my eyes and hoping some kind of peaceful sleep would overcome me instead. constant checking of the telephone. maybe you'd realised what you'd done. made up your mind. maybe things were different today, but nothing ever changed.  there was a point where i had to schedule my entire day, minute-by-minute, just to get through it okay. if there was any time for idling, it was disastrous. most of the times i do remember were spent crying in my car, frantically calling you for some kind of help, because i had no one else. you wouldn't answer the phone, or you couldn't say the words i needed to hear, and after being my best, and only, friend for so long, i had no counter reaction and knew that no one would understand what i could possibly be dealing with except you, thinking you must have been feeling the same. sometimes i drove and drove alone, just to stay alive. i never wanted to die. i knew i didn't want to die. but often i wondered how you'd feel if i did; despite being obviously naive and immature, as an eighteen year old being completely in love with someone, i couldn't remotely understand why he would do this to me. eating was hard and i didn't do much of it. even going home was a disaster. i took down all of your pictures, put away all the things you'd given me, and placed them in a bag which remains in my closet. my mom made things easier. she stayed up late watching films with me which perhaps meant more to me than anything else at that point.

so, it was around january last year when i decided i had to be the one to make an active change in my life if i wanted to survive. over christmas break, i spent most of my time with my two best friends from home, and that alone was incredibly calming.  we ate together, smoked together, drank together, slept together, watched stand up comedy together. it was exactly what i needed, just someone.  on new year's, i was alone for the first time in five years. i remember getting your text the next day saying happy new year and i didn't respond because i knew this was the point where i had to change. a new year couldn't have come soon enough and the last thing i wanted was to continue allowing you to destroy me mentally, emotionally, and physically over and over and over. i had told myself i needed you for four years at this point, and it was incomprehensible for me to see that i could actually exist on my own. but it was something i had to realise.

after that, life got better, slowly but surely. my attempt to find happiness in every day was more successful and when i stopped talking to you, the rate at which i felt better was incredible.  around late february, i walked to a coffee place with my friend montana one thursday night to see some live music and enjoy the atmosphere outside of the dormitory, which had become some kind of emotional prison at this point. it was there that i met katelyn outside. meeting katelyn changed everything. i don't know if she knows it or not, but i think she can assume. so, for the first time in this immense post, i will state something i am thankful for: friendship. katelyn.

katelyn introduced me to the entire group of friends i have now. they are the most incredible, interesting, creative, hilarious, and wonderful people in the world. i'm sure of it. and i couldn't have met them at a more opportune time. it was them who changed me completely. by the beginning of march, after driving around with matt shouting bright eyes (the first day we ever met), i was so happy i couldn't sleep at night. no sleep in the best way. sometime around here, i met amanda and andrea. they are the most similar people to myself i could ever imagine and the influence and support that they have given me in the past year is so inspiring. by april and may, i felt perfect. i am so thankful for meeting the most magnificent people to ever ever grace warrensburg's presence. i spent my summer with them and had the greatest summer of my life: carrots in branson, world's of fun, bumblin around cookie puddles, people piles, sing-a-longs and dancing in kitchens, an abundance of sunscreen, exploring the island of half foots and knee diseases, midday swims, and an unforgettable fourth of july and an even more unforgettable float trip.

we continued some kind of extremely sketchy and strange relationship sporadically throughout the summer, but it never felt okay or comfortable, and i knew it was stupid the entire time. but since it didn't hurt to see you or to let go at the end of the day anymore, (i think i'd exhausted all my emotions at that point), i continued to see you sometimes. you didn't have the same effect over me at that point so nothing made me sad, but neither happy. we said a short goodbye before i left, but it was nothing special and it didn't mean much to me at all, and, i'm sure, neither you.

so, this brings me to august of this year when i moved to stockholm, sweden. this is the point where the story of the past year gets so incredibly difficult to describe. nothing could ever compare to the happiness i have found here, the friendships and family i have formed, the cultural aspects of everything said and done, acceptance, camaraderie, love. i'm never alone here. i finally found somewhere i feel i belong, and i never want to say goodbye to this. maybe this will be easier to reflect on and write about in a year, but while i'm currently living the most brilliant six months of my life, i cannot possibly recognize the quality...

to wake up for the sunrise. to sit on a mountain, lie in a road, swing on a veranda when the world wakes up. to think and feel that i am the only person in my hemisphere conscious, resulting in a full mind, quiet, unremitting thoughts. i am the only person awake right now. i am the only person to witness this. these colors are all for me. the silhouettes of the trees for me. reflection of pinks, yellows, purples in water. the layers of the horizon. the edge of the world. that's how i feel living here. björnkulla has been an unreal experience.

the past year i've existed in so many levels and general dimensions. i am thankful for every single emotion i felt, every night spent crying or not sleeping or not eating, every single friendship i found, every experience that has led up to this point. i am so thankful for mostly being alive, knowing what i want and don't want out of life and out of other people, having proper expectations for myself, and the dignity to continue on. i hope everyone experiences something that enables them to completely find themselves as i have.

ASHTRAYS

i will forever be searching for europe in every city i visit, and i will never find it at home. when you've found where you've belonged all along, i feel incredibly heartbroken for a place that will never be mine, i've already lost too much of myself.

MY EXPERIENCE IN THE NETHERLANDS