the plan now is to close my eyes and maybe something genuine will come out of it.  i feel so strange and it is impossible to pinpoint what for.  maybe i'm embarrassed to admit to myself.  for the first time in my life i want something i cannot have and it is the most childish, obnoxious, selfish response to any situation.  my eyes have been opened to things i did not even know i wanted in my life, but i need them now.  it's unbearable.  i do not think i miss my parents.  i can still hear their voices and see their faces.  sometimes i wonder what tina is doing.  if she is happy, if she has someone.  i have a family here.  i do not want to leave.  i do not want to leave.  the idea of it is so heart wrenching.  without anyone to wake me up in the morning for lunch, collectively sitting around a table with homework, hearing languages every day other than my own.  to fear the cold but not face it alone.  i feel very free here and at home will return to the "bell jar" per say.  i think i feel strange because i know i am not appreciating everything like i used to do.  for an entire year of my life, i lived for the moment i could escape my mind and world.  i eventually made it out, and i could not be more thankful, but i miss appreciating every single thing.  i miss feeling independent.  the bowling alley, having bagels and chai tea with tina, hugs on campus, car drives, smoke closets, small bikes, drunk chasing lost cats. finding beauty in the most nonchalant aspects of life.  i am taking everything for granted.  the people, atmosphere, opportunities.  i have to remember that although this experience is fleeting, we will never be all together again, but the relationships built with everyone will last for the rest of my life.  i should write this in a journal, i haven't written a thing in a month.  i'm scared of waiting until the last moments to finally have courage to appreciate everything and i'm scared of not getting exactly the things i want and i feel so powerless to make it.  that's what it is.


i think i need to do things on my own for a bit.  that is what makes me happy.  knowing how well i can be on my own.  this idea becomes complex when i absolutely believe happiness is the most real when it is shared.  maybe that's some old idea i should cleanse myself of.  i am so terrified of loss.  i am in control of my own happiness.   i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.  i am in control of my own happiness.