the time i had all my eggs in one basket.




throwing them out one by one.

to summers that last way too long

ray's
beer purse
chair stealer
me getting angry at people who didn't like the dark knight rises
OR SPIDERMAN

someone from sweet springs
who talked to sean
this mystery person said i was a very nice girl in high school
i wonder who it was
i am very curious about who liked me
i was very different then and i'm almost convinced no one would recognize me anymore despite it only been a little over a year ago that i left there

a car
backseat
to kevin's
shelby's spilt wine
musical part foul
discussing with nathan
an empty purse
a broken fridge and stolen beer
whispering 'i want taco bell' in everyone's ears
hugs
hugs
hugs
a hole in the wall

taco bell
unexpected texts
refusal to eat eatings
home
throw down beer purse
the rest is the best part.

nearing the end of a good adventure

aghast

no reason to sarcastically elude odd numbers which consequently happen to be fine with me

i can count my ears by myself although i'm sure you know a place where i could get a new one to fix whatever might be undesirable

(but you are less than desirable and the only thing i like about you is the way you made me feel everything, all at once, a million times over, and more than anyone could)

i can monitor my weight by myself as if there's anything that you remember otherwise

hipbones like a mountain's edge and a princess on a unicycle

i am happy now even though i don't have anyone.  perhaps that is what troubles people.  they think they need to have each other to survive.  when possession doesn't play a part in love, it must be the best, most special kind.

english looks pretty and i like to read it and i like to spell it.

basking in the glory of nick and sarah's sleeping patterns
mysa in the living room
gather my thoughts and my groceries and ignore the stupid dog.

Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.

Thank you Kurt Vonnegut

dorian gray

"Romance lives by repetition, and repetition converts an appetite into an art. Besides, each time that one loves is the only time one has ever loved.  Difference of object does not alter singleness of passion.  It merely intensifies it.  We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible."

"Even when one has been wounded by it, Harry?" asked the Duchess, after a pause.

"Especially when one has been wounded by it," answered Lord Henry.

so very ready for the week and the summer to be over. i have little to no free time and this anatomy class is murdering me. i've got two more exams (respiratory system and embryonic development). the geography class i'm in is extremely easy but still takes a lot of time to write a three page journal article every week, as well as a quiz and a test each week too. needless to say i have no time to do the things i really enjoy as i'm too busy worrying about schoolwork, despite the summer season and mentality. i have so much to do. but, of course, i get the most inspiration to write when i've got no time to do so.

i can't wait to relax for a few weeks before heading off to sweden. i'll have time to sit, play piano, read the economist, read the other piles of books i'd been planning to read all summer, develop film, learn to cook potatoes and chicken and pancakes so i don't starve while i'm away. maybe i'll even have time to start packing (no idea how i'll accomplish that feat....) i'd like to have time to be with my friends, to be with myself, lay in bed, watch netflix, have snacks, and sleep in for once-something i've done less times than i can count on one hand this summer. with sweden only 29 days away at this point, i'm absolutely freaking out. it's the hardest thing to visualize how much my life is going to change even though i know it will so much. it seems so unreal and it will until i am on an airplane. until i land in arlanda and buy a metro ticket. since i'm arriving early, the first week only a few students will be in björnkulla. the 24th i am volunteering at popaganda music festival. i expect to have adventures and wander aimlessly every single day. i can't wait to be on my own. and next summer monica and i are (possibly) living in new york together. my life feels like it's only beginning and i'm never going to have to look back again. 

my waitressing job is nice and the family is so kind to me, but it is dull work. i'll quit both my jobs in a few weeks and then have the remaining two to relax with my family and summer porch sit with my friend and probably dance into people piles on the grass.

as i brush my teeth

i smell like someone else and i hate it.
(the world spins madly on)
so i leave for sweden in one month. 
i did need this. for now i'll just clean my sheets.

give me a new world

you're wonderful

i wish i'd done everything with you
(we did most things)

the year 2012 can be summed up with stomach aches and required realizations.

a sick grandfather,
a burning half finished cigarette,
thyrovocalis,
feminism,
a sleeping couch,
an unwelcoming human


i like the fact that you read a lot
maybe books are all we talk about but there's nothing wrong with that, (more people should read more)
i like the fact that you carry a small notebook around and write it in always and that you shared it with me
i like the fact that you loaned me two of your books
thank you.

there are countless wonderful things about sunsets but i like sunsets because the sunset you are seeing is always the most beautiful sunset you can imagine and you never have time to think 'this sunset would look much prettier on the coast over an ocean right now' because it's hard to imagine anything more beautiful than the sunset you're seeing in front of you 

and that's why sunsets are nice

i wish people treated other people like sunsets

treasure trap

i promise to only remember the good things

i promise to drive better

i promise to never talk about the weather or the color of paint i'd prefer or if that tree should be trimmed or if the calendar is still on december in the new year or if the bed is made in the morning

i promise i'll let you play the music

i promise i won't worry what kind of shirt to wear or the kind of things i should say

i promise i'll stop twisting your words and i'll let go when you're ready

but
you
won't
consume
me .

People believe in God because the world is very complicated and they think it is very unlikely that anything as complicated as a flying squirrel or the human eye or a brain could happen by chance. But they should think logically and if they thought logically they would see that they can only ask this question because it has already happened and they exist. And there are billions of planets where there is no life, but there is no one on those planets with brains to notice. And it is like if everyone in the world was tossing coins eventually someone would get 5,698 heads in a row and they would think they were very special. But they wouldn’t be because there would be millions of people who didn’t get 5,698 heads.

And there is life on earth because of an accident. But it is a very special kind of accident. And for this accident to happen in this special way, there have to be 3 conditions. And these are:

1. Things have to make copies of themselves (this is called Replication)
2. They have to make small mistakes when they do this (this is called Mutation)
3. These mistakes have to be the same in their copies (this is called Heritability)

And these conditions are very rare, but they are possible, and they cause life. And it just happens. But it doesn’t have to end up with rhinoceroses and human beings and whales. It could end up with anything.

And, for example, some people say how can an eye happen by accident? Because an eye has to evolve from something else very like an eye and it doesn’t just happen because of a genetic mistake, and what is the use of half an eye? But half an eye is very useful because half an eye means that an animal can see half of an animal that wants to eat it and get out of the way, and it will eat the animal that only has a third of an eye or 49% of an eye instead because it hasn’t got out of the way quick enough, and the animal that is eaten won’t have babies because it is dead. And 1% of an eye is better than no eye.

And people who believe in God think God has put human beings on Earth because they think human beings are the best animal, but human beings are just an animal and they will evolve into another animal, and that animal will be cleverer and will put human beings into a zoo, like we put chimpanzees and gorillas into a zoo. Or human beings will all catch a disease and die out or they will make too much pollution and kill themselves, and then there will be only insects in the world and they will be the best animal.

happy fourth friends

what are you doing over there

i forgot the laundry in the dryer
so i had some weird tasting grape jelly 
lunch at a café with live music and a wonderful friend 
warrensburg can be really great sometimes though i can't say i'll miss it.

i've been working so much lately and any free moment i'm thinking of packing my things or how i'm going to spend all my money

i've seen my family often and i'll miss them. they make me realize i'm just a very normal person who happened to get into a fucked up relationship but there's nothing wrong with me and i know that now. they're wonderful people and i appreciate everything they've done and allowed me to do. and i especially won't forget the weekends last autumn my mom watched television with me all night just to keep me alive, i don't even think she knows it.

i remember the first time i met my friends this spring i said aloud "i didn't know nice people existed." what an awful thing to think for so long.

tree branch fits adequately into vase of dead flowers

seated next to a peach
atop a thirty dollar journal with a leather cover
i told myself i would never be sad again after getting over everything and i haven't been sad since

laughing so much it hurts my head

upside down


take anatomy notes
visit the eye doctor
get lunch with a mother
waitress a table of fifteen
label south america on a map
read a geography book
an evening walk
get the money and youth back that's owed.

you're just collecting dust on a shelf

you're just collecting dust on a shelf, quite fictionally.
"perhaps in a year you'll be packing your bags" 
and i can meet you at the station

i'd like to be calling your name into a phone right now
just to, quite fictionally, say it again with something besides disgust.

why are we even doing this anymore

today i conquered the table.

arrival

in the month after the month that it is right now, i will be in sweden.