resonating the past week: if you want me you can have me until the end of time.
it's finals week. it's almost been another year. back to the time of year again where i get panic attacks, feel isolated, lack a schedule and lack purpose--christmas break. i suppose i am one of the few who looks forward to mondays and looks forward to having routine and obligations and reasons to feel okay that day. everything-class, tests, lectures-is a distraction to feel okay. and i understand now how adults work so much; working so much is a better alternative to thinking at all.
i have been thinking about seeing a psychiatrist for awhile now and trying out medication. i think christmas break would be a good time to start medication and see how it affects me (i'll have time to see how it affects me) with limited distractions and more time to think and feel. i guess i should ask my therapist first, but i just sobbed a lot our last session, and before that, i just smiled a lot about leaving for new york. i already booked a flight back to new york in march for spring break. something to look forward to. i'm looking for jobs and housing there as well. another top distraction.
some things making me feel calm and comforted lately: looking for jobs and apartments in other cities, cooking meals with friends, discussing mental health out loud, crowds of people and feeling anonymous, comfortable silences, being in transit (in-between destinations), running.
i finally ordered some books about love addiction (not to be confused with sex addiction) which i heard suggested on mental health podcasts over and over. i've learned this usually stems from lack of connection with caregivers in early age, i.e. inadequate or inconsistent nurturing, low self-esteem, absence of positive role models for loving relationships. love addicts choose partners who are emotionally unavailable and/or verbally/physically abusive. they choose partners who demand a great deal of attention but who do not meet, or even try to meet, their own emotional or physical needs. they participate in activities that don't interest them or go against personal values in order to please a partner. they give up important interests, beliefs, and friendships to maximize time spent in the relationship.
i have done all of these things. in every relationship. "my fear of abandonment is exceeded only by my terror of intimacy." hoping i can figure some things out.
anyway, i am in no place to be wondering about how a person feels about me or doesn’t feel about me, because i'm not secure about another person’s feelings, i know that i don’t want anything serious at this moment in my life, but something serious is the only thing I can handle emotionally vs being insecure about how another person feels. i feel like relationships right now aren't for the right reasons and that too many people act as an emotional catchall for each other. otherwise it’s not worth it to me, being only partially/sometimes/carelessly invested in each other because it seems like it’s for selfish reasons, like being falsely invested just because i'm lonely and lost.
depression is a blindness and deafness to hope and beauty, but high res and max volume on god damn nothing. if anyone is reading this, don't worry, i'm not suicidal, just deeply sad.