ANXIETY

i'm focusing on better management of my anxiety. i think here (when i'm in the US) it becomes much more obvious to me. or perhaps it has gotten much more intense in these last months, though when i look back, i'm sure it was always there before, too...... maybe it is because i don't have a close group of friends that i feel comfortable doing anything or nothing at all with. every social interaction seems forced, strained, like i'm overexerting myself, like i'm forcing connection. like the situation revolves around my every action and hangs off each of my words. 

this week i will limit my caffeine and alcohol intake - surely this has some impact, because i've sworn by coffee this entire year - something to make me awake and focused and not irritable. but perhaps it's done more damage than good. i'm going to compliment people who i see on campus. i'm not going to avoid interaction in passing with others.  i'm not going to overcompensate in casual conversation.  i'm not going to plan every interaction i have word-for-word.  i'm not going to toss around a conversation i had for hours, even days, and wonder if i said the wrong thing - because, honestly, who's got time for that? and surely the other person doesn't either.  

i'm going to continue exercising every day - yoga - meditation - clear my head, become my body.  don't skip meals. stop weighing myself. don't focus on what i dislike about my figure. 

i can't keep living in this way - fearing even the most mundane, monotonous exchanges. every day life has become a struggle to breathe with so much pressure. all because of this anxiety that has suddenly crept up. and i know it stems from the stress that school generates, but it is crippling even the slightest chance i had at enjoying these last few months here. in my head, i get this idea that with these looming tasks before the end of the semester, if i don't complete them right now, or perfectly, i absolutely cannot function until they are completed. i keep a tedious list of every moment of every day and something is just sick about that - especially because i feel like i need that to keep me afloat. 

dear my own lifetrinkets & everything 

write letter to 31-year-old self

hug the sunshine 

yoga 

treat body like it's as fragile as a child's: 

feed it well, let it take naps, make it go outside, don't let it stay still for too long

stop obsessing over the small stuff 

stop meticulously planning every moment 

stop living by staring at that clipboarded schedule 

remember to breathe

remember that you are here for you and you are the first priority 

dont be afraid to say no and remember that you cannot do everything 

stop trying

you're killing yourself trying to do everything

AN EMPTY PACK OF CIGARETTES BY THE BED

locked carelessly together in a stranger's bed. with our clothes on the floor i remember crying not quite silently to the room. into the blankets. into the pillow soaking up your drunken head. my arm going dead underneath you. my words like shards of glass in my throat. every slur was an attempt to swallow them, shrink them back down. i pushed you awake with forceful trembles. i couldn't be alone anymore with these drunk and sobbing tangles i kept finding myself in. i'm almost screaming out at you now. surely audibly. it was someone's birthday. stole their bed on their birthday and successfully failed each other for the last time. i couldn't even pry your eyes open. none of my words sunk in at all. that is the most alone i ever felt. you in your blissful stupor, my body sweating into yours. holding on to a person who i couldn't reach, in a body that wasn't familiar, but would never again be as familiar as in that moment. retrospectively, that was the most honest and familiar encounter we had.

PROVE TO ME I'M NOT GOING TO DIE ALONE

today i
drew on seven tattoos with a sharpie
maybe in the summer they are something that i can make permanent

today i
woke up at 7:20 because my body told me to say hello to the morning
hot green tea with honey
didn't inhale
yoga
twice

today i
looked through the books i read as a child
particularly one on unicorns
and another on horses and ponies
and i think that that is why

today i
completed my tie-dyed shirt
hooped to gold panda
got called kath
felt extra alive driving home
made a packing list for my second european summer
of living out of a suitcase

most importantly
today i
took care of myself

4 WEEKS

i can't believe everything.
or
anything.

i dont love you but i live with the idea of you. you're the best idea i've ever had.


(so much is supposed to happen in these next four weeks. and then what? i am stuffing my brain with physics of sound waves & formations. do you prefer vowels or consonants? i can tell you everything about them. SIETE repuestas. y qué?)

the first and final year in this apartment. packing up my things i feel an emotion for the first time in a long time. living and moving with strangers. clean sheets and clean thinks. in the end i can tell myself- i did grow in this apartment. early 2014, language melts in my head. i feel one less heavy. but i cant feel the world vibrate anymore. that's how i exist.

"at each moment we begin again, as ripe for a low blow as we were the moment before."

i wish that timers had camel scandals
candles

sift around as sea pollution. see? pollution.

imagine your kneecap as the great wall of china.
u do u

i don't think about bats enough.
the noun not the verb.


treat everyone like their kneecap is the great wall of china.



treat everyone like a rare sea anemone
spicy meatball sub
bears
ANYTHING that i wasnt expecting



because all the nightthoughts get wasted on endless scrolling

BECAUSE OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS SHE DOES

ool
ovf
peep

and i drink this green tea, which i quietly made, in the corner of this mind.
and i say goodbye to her.
because we have to.
(it's not because of before. not the kissing in 12-story bathrooms with my best friend, asking "where are you" or demanding "let's practice")
no

but because i can't compete.
i cannot stop my feelings. they exist by themselves. a separate being, and i tell them to stop. i tell them all of the time, stop.
so i try to uphold this image,
being different than what my feelings say.
and that's what is so hard.

0:00.