JUST FEELING HEAVY TONIGHT

I didn't take my meds because I felt like writing. I checked my email, noted there is nearly half of my licensure paperwork I haven't completed yet, because the state of Illinois is so FUCKING confusing, so now I don't feel like writing and I feel insane. I decided my paperwork and loose ends can wait until tomorrow morning.

I learned about a girl selling her books on amazon for $0.99, $1.99, $2.99, respectively. I want to try that but I can't justify to myself selling anything I write. I can't come up with a good reason for why I would need to put a price on what I've done. Every author does it. I wish I could hear the conversation of authors with themselves about that. It's not worth .99 to me, it's worth my entire life, but at the same time, not worth anyone else having. What use is it to anyone else, it's self-indulgent and shitty, but I do have a sense of pride over it. I'm curious if I could still feel proud if I asked others to pay for it. Then it would have to be worth the $2.99 or whatever. What if no one would get $2.99 worth of enjoyment out of reading my years of shit. ( I should probably take my meds.)

I'm feeling triggered because I was at my parents' yesterday and I spent the night there. It's been 24 years and there's still no 'intentional' time spent. When your parents dont see you for four months, but turn down going to get coffee with you? then i spent the afternoon alone at their house while they were both going on with their every day lives. It's fine but around 11:00am i asked myself why am i here. It's actually not fine, i'm in a shitty mood now.

It's hard to explain to people how it is living in a new city. I've been in Chicago for just over 4 months, and it is really hard. It's a good hard, but life itself is just more difficult in a city. i.e. getting groceries, parking, driving, doing laundry, picking up packages, ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC every day i can do about three things and then the day is over because it takes such time to get anywhere and wait in line and shit. I love chicago. there's so much to SEE and DO and the people are so queer and friendly and midwestern. I love the lake. I love logan square. trees and green of the boulevards. the opportunities and experiences all available if i want them. life is easy in missouri but it also makes me feel dead inside and that's what people cant fucking understand.

ALEATORIA

i keep hoping you'll just show up,
and validate me like a parking ticket.

spent a few minutes flipping through books and reading excerpts to each other - i really liked that.
i spent a few minutes in the pizza restaurant bathroom, cleaning herbs out of my crooked teeth with my belt.

at my best, im a small pool, at my worst a sandbox
at best, an afternoon. at worst, an eyesore

comparing nerve endings, impatient for connections,
at nausea.
neon white and the struggle of the tangle

OUR OWN

i timed the walk to california; 13:35.61, so if i need to get out of logan, i can do it in about fifteen minutes.

im devastated by the world now, as usual, stockholm attacks at åhléns, a place ive walked by and around hundreds of times, an eleven year old girl, walking home from school was hit and killed by a senseless act. in egypt, christian churches were bombed on palm sunday. 44 dead.

i have left missouri, left kansas city, and can leave logan if i need to. but none of us can leave the state of, and reality of, our own world. there is nowhere in this world free of madness, and if convince yourself you've found it, you're even more mad.

YOUVE MADE YOUR BED

saying goodbye with a lemon tart and an $8 orchid. now i can hear the train fly past on north milwaukee from my room.

this is how we wrap up loose ends and unravel new starts; fall in love with a $69 painting of a geisha. thinking, 'if i don't think about it', i could be in new york. finding it is much easer to work with you and feeling i'm accomplishing half as much without. killing time in public spaces, wet benches, creaky hardwood, glossy white tiled exteriors outside of takeaway pizza joints, reflecting light from cars and sprinkles. ive tried every take-out, vegan friendly restaurant on fullerton ave., i won't have gas in my kitchen for another week, and this seems to be a successful way to get me out of the house, though briefly. i bought slippers for cold feet and cold floors, i bought floss and it's very shitty ive been bleeding in my new sink. today i watched an amy winehouse documentary, mopped again, repotted a plant from pots i found outside on my back deck, didnt have the energy or wherewithal to go get myself a coffee, so ive had a throbbing headache, and just took an excedrin at around 7pm.  so i tried to read a bit, but i fell asleep. tomorrow i will go get myself a coffee.

it's been gloomy out and raining every day so far, so i guess i feel like staying home, not too cold, just really wet. i'm trying to write again, but i haven't got much inspiration or need to write when im feeling okay. katelyn sent me $5 to go get a coffee, sophia keeps reminding me to write "write a poem today!", and i've thought about asking mackenzie to remind me to eat x3 meals a day.

it's not all good, i still find myself to be driven by fear of simply remaining, but i don't want to kill myself !

GETTING SPACIER THAN AN ASTRONAUT

i haven't been writing in awhile. i mean i've been writing awhile. writing nothing worthwhile in some while. ive been writing patient reports, documenting slow deaths, slow sips, slow symptoms of suffocation. polysubstance abuse, ambulance rides in the wrong direction, when bodies are all that's left. tubes for breathing, eating, pissing. every hour, vitals are documented. every night, you can't sleep. and as im shoving a fig newton into your palm, i wonder when the last time you remembered was.

last week, an 83 year old told me she lives with her mom and dad and that she doesn't have kids. i watched her drink water and i told her her view from inside was beautiful. good her kids werent there to hear that.

today i saw a dying man pull out his lines and refuse his medications. he will starve, and he will suffocate, and he will die a very painful death and the entire medical team was helpless then. i will never be able to help anyone as much as i want to. and neither will anyone else.

the year was busier than before. or im emptier than before. 

i'm moving to chicago in a month.