today marks the beginning of a new experience! something i have needed desperately! sure that i have lived since may 18 again in stockholm (but mostly for resuming old friendships and saying hello again to a city that i am enamored by..) but now, here, today, tonight, this moment! i am living in madrid! until the middle of August! joder! JODER!
i never write things of this nature here. but now that i am living alone (again, as per usual) after a month and a half of living with an insane (albeit wonderful) spaniard, i have access to quiet thoughts again and feel it's necessary to write again (due to the utter lack of someone to share each moment with)
a ver here is the deal. part 1: tomorrow, i will wake up. topple through a toddlers room (given up for me!) dodging suitcases, articles of clothing, random cosmetics strewn across the counter.... and go to the supermarket with my host mum. her english is the same level as my spanish (almost nothing) pues. this is what i need. i need to be uncomfortable. i need to feel
discomfort in being so comfortable. i dont know when i got so comfortable in my life and it is something that i furiously detest. GIVE ME SOMETHING MORE! THROW ME INTO A SOCIETY WHERE I KNOW AND UNDERSTAND ALMOST NOTHING! GIVE ME A METRO MAP TO A CITY I CANT PRONOUNCE ANY OF THE NAMES OF! FORCE ME TO ORDER A COFFEE IN A LANUGAGE I STRUGGLE PROFOUNDLY WITH! FORM RELATIONSHIPS WITH THREE CHILDREN WHO DONT SPEAK ENGLISH! LEARN TO COMMUNICATE IN WAYS MORE MEANINGFUL THAN WORDS! I WANT TO FEEL BRAVE AGAIN!! FEEL ALIVE!! UNTO THE UTTERMOST, I AM STILL ALIVE!!!!!!!
part 2: i will go pick up three children from school in a car in a city that isnt mine. hola hola hola hola hola niñas lokisimas
part 3: we will go swimming y learn and feel sufficient.
part 4: dinner and drinks with aitor and lucia in the city.
i am so damn happy about this process. challenge and knowledge come to me.
24 June 2013
13 June 2013
THE ACT OF MOVING MINDLESSLY
pt 1
to just exist doesnt hurt
to be elegantly suspended in air
floating within a golden bubble, arms outstretched, head thrown back and im flying again
the pain comes when an encounter occurs.
the collision of bodies, minds, mouths, desires
i would like to remain golden forever. suspended, untouched, ethereal
for so long, that what damage you had caused becomes nothing but a canyon far below. filled with whiskey, cigarettes, polaroids and letters
pt 2
im scared becasue i can tell that i have become too comfortable. i dont need small thrills anymore to feel alive. because before i would have done anything to feel the cold water enveloping me and filling my senses with something fresh. to sink into something so profound, pure, so soft. pulling my head underneath the surfae and focusing all of my attention on breathing. i would have done anything in an attempt to find something to fill the void. to undestand that, indeed, i am still alive. i am still capable of feeling. i am not totally numb to the world for this instant. to figure out that it is possible to feel alive without you.
but now i wouldnt even jump in and i miss living life like i absolutely need to feel alive or i will just curl up and die. i need it so bad
to just exist doesnt hurt
to be elegantly suspended in air
floating within a golden bubble, arms outstretched, head thrown back and im flying again
the pain comes when an encounter occurs.
the collision of bodies, minds, mouths, desires
i would like to remain golden forever. suspended, untouched, ethereal
for so long, that what damage you had caused becomes nothing but a canyon far below. filled with whiskey, cigarettes, polaroids and letters
pt 2
im scared becasue i can tell that i have become too comfortable. i dont need small thrills anymore to feel alive. because before i would have done anything to feel the cold water enveloping me and filling my senses with something fresh. to sink into something so profound, pure, so soft. pulling my head underneath the surfae and focusing all of my attention on breathing. i would have done anything in an attempt to find something to fill the void. to undestand that, indeed, i am still alive. i am still capable of feeling. i am not totally numb to the world for this instant. to figure out that it is possible to feel alive without you.
but now i wouldnt even jump in and i miss living life like i absolutely need to feel alive or i will just curl up and die. i need it so bad
02 June 2013
ABOUT SPACE TIME AND I AM TRAPPED
suddenly awake. and beside a stranger. in an unfamiliar bed. mysteriously new city, according to the surroundings maybe the east coast. the wallpaper is a modern pixelated bit of color. white and blue but tries to be vintage
and for the first seconds "where the fuck am i"
look to the mirror. it is my face my hands are old my wrinkles have taken over eyes tired mouth sad
"how did i get here" "who the fuck are you"
go downstairs. see a man, maybe twenty, at the table with breakfast.
the objects in the house are absolutely different from anything ever seen before. they seem to serve the same purpose and function but their appearance is something new. the only thing that appears to be the same as before is nature. the setting from the trees and grass. the sky has clouds, a sun, birds. dirt is brown. leaves are green
search for answers. "who is this man at the table" "whose table" "in what city" "whose house" "who did i wake up next to""what am i doing here"
first thought. search for the library
"there, the people cannot judge me for not understanding a computer or computeresque object. it is impossibel here to ask questions without raising suspicion among these 'housemates' more or less. are they my family. do they think i am their family. am i in love with this man. is this my son. i am not in love with this man. does he think i am in love with him. could i, in actuality, love him. i need answers now. i am absolutely not crazy" this cannot be real.
leave. must. leave. leave this job. house. family. city. life. this is not mine. this cant be mine. i am twenty years old and i woke up as a 50 year old. this cannot be. must find the path home. i dont love these people. i need answers
search
questions
help
but im not insane
rejection
help
discussion
hospitals
no answers
but now i AM insane
dream????? with gun
suicide
and for the first seconds "where the fuck am i"
look to the mirror. it is my face my hands are old my wrinkles have taken over eyes tired mouth sad
"how did i get here" "who the fuck are you"
go downstairs. see a man, maybe twenty, at the table with breakfast.
the objects in the house are absolutely different from anything ever seen before. they seem to serve the same purpose and function but their appearance is something new. the only thing that appears to be the same as before is nature. the setting from the trees and grass. the sky has clouds, a sun, birds. dirt is brown. leaves are green
search for answers. "who is this man at the table" "whose table" "in what city" "whose house" "who did i wake up next to""what am i doing here"
first thought. search for the library
"there, the people cannot judge me for not understanding a computer or computeresque object. it is impossibel here to ask questions without raising suspicion among these 'housemates' more or less. are they my family. do they think i am their family. am i in love with this man. is this my son. i am not in love with this man. does he think i am in love with him. could i, in actuality, love him. i need answers now. i am absolutely not crazy" this cannot be real.
leave. must. leave. leave this job. house. family. city. life. this is not mine. this cant be mine. i am twenty years old and i woke up as a 50 year old. this cannot be. must find the path home. i dont love these people. i need answers
search
questions
help
but im not insane
rejection
help
discussion
hospitals
no answers
but now i AM insane
dream????? with gun
suicide
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