My pallor cede, colly string, infinite stillness ---

it's not about you anymore
to be so so blue underneath something so so bright
half small, half smiling
new bedrooms shadow here.
who shrink away from the light

remember talking about writing poetry with old friends, spitting up over the window, cold air escaping in, smoke air escaping out, a nd poetry all around.

and now it honestly hurts to breathe.

B A L A N C E

i must find a balance for me, social, job. i am so far in my own head after only two weeks of holiday. i didn't expect to adapt so quickly to the lifestyle of living with family. i sleep in, i watch netflix, i make coffee, i run. i fear leaving my house again. i would rather hate being at home than have a stressful drive out. i have to find a balance. i fear insanity so much. i want to find somewhere where i feel i can hibernate. i dont crave human interaction at all; in fact i generally don't want it in the slightest, and that terrifies me. i want to make these six months about reading all the literature i can, write as much as i can, running, yoga, learning to make new recipes, i wonder if the only way to combat my fears is to make myself drive more. make myself cook more. not get overwhelmed by text messages, following recipes, directions. by contact. when i get so far in my own head i feel completely incapable.

BEING PRESENT ONE OUT OF TWENTY-ONE YEARS

i have spent the first year of my life knowing what it is to feel complete. i did not feel empty for people or memories. i did not feel nothingness. i loved without losing the present. i did not worry about missing. i cried, good cries, often. i stopped living so blankly - i felt; i can feel the world again. i breathed deeply in, exhaled and emptied myself of loss, sadness, and anxiety. i am not bitter over human connection, but i no longer fear human contact.

i found ways to relieve stress and anxiety in positive ways rather than abusing alcohol. i cared about my body from the inside, out. i ran every day. i did yoga every morning and evening. i wrote letters. i adopted a vegetarian diet. i loved tea, good coffee, and pale ale. i've become a braver driver. i achieved an intermediate level of spanish. i'm writing a lot more, sketching, and reading. i spent three months in spain. i finished my bachelor's. i applied for a fulbright and masters programs. i stopped wanting the momentarily impossible and opened my eyes to my surroundings.

this year was about finding what i needed physically and mentally and next year will be expanding and further exploring these needs. i feel so sure of being okay. all things feel right with me now and i have learned to not feel empty for anyone or anything.

overcast, undertouched

AND TOMORROW IS THE DAY

sometimes if i can't sleep i put my fingers on the wall of my room and i can feel my heartbeat in my fingertips and then it feels like the walls are breathing and that they're alive and everything is so still except the walls and then i remember it's not the walls or the house that's alive, it's me.

i wonder if there's humans so solid i can feel my fingertips pulsing when i'm touching them.