WORDS FOR EMPTY, WORDS FOR FULL

on feeling invisible

the problem with this is that when you are not acknowledged, when you cannot see yourself mirrored in others, when they do not reflect back to you, like answering your questions or laughing at your jokes or responding to your greetings in an appropriate way, if your sense of self is not immensely secure, you
begin
to
lose
it.

LOVING SOMEONE WHO IS EMPTY

empty people love empty things.

i can't wait until i see your face and my brain thinks that it's looking at a stranger
i can't wait until i see your face and my brain feels nothing
i'll feel nothing.

MELATONIN

you gave me happy words, the ability to make eye contact with strangers at age 22, but mostly intense fear of intense feelings. knowing i cant get stuck here

a bomb in free-fall not yet detonated
cant sleep or eat, need something for the physical effects
enskyment.
live for heartfelt truths of the moment.
find the people who would do anything for you, and do everything for them.




i feel like myself again. losing touch with myself and minimizing my opinions and attributes for others makes me feel horrible. one summer lost. future fall next to the sea. snowy cities, metal scraping skies. grad school is fucking me up. clinicals, three exams, presentation, lit review due wednesday. im applying for extern/intern. seattle still feels right. nyc feels right., im calling the hospitals this week

im going to new york city over thanksgiving. i havent seen andrea in three years. i need to get out of here. im writing again, im thinking things again, im in counseling, all of that feels really good ,need someoine who makes me feel more like me. loss sucks, no matter how necessary or predictable.