i've been worrying about how many moments i am actually living in. totally, mentally, immersed in the present. i'm anxious it's not enough moments in a given day, year. i'm determining in which moments i do feel completely there.
during conversation. conversation is so pure. perhaps the details of the conversation itself aren't about the present but the action and voice and the ears listening, are. to share like that is something special. maybe that's why i often get anxious during conversation. it's so inthissecondrightnow and i could fuck it up with one word. that's the kind of in the moment i want. listening to a song for the first time. before it becomes background noise, really listening. i've got so many songs where i am actually several times removed from reality. if it's the xx i'm in stockholm huddled on my bed with two others, it's late, it's cold, it's smoky. if it's any song aaron and i danced to in his apartment, i'm immediately back there, getting crumbs everywhere, spilling wine, dancing with closed eyes. if it's manchester orchestra, i'm in high school again, in the car with my best friend. with degausser, i'm on a school bus going to a basketball game, sitting alone, mouthing every word. with a song i can easily be three times removed from reality. being in transit. whether it be by airplane, car, subway, bicycle, foot. i feel very rightthissecond in those moments. during showers. while reading a good book. not the kind where your mind drifts, but an honest to god good book. while doing yoga. kissing. as long as i'm not thinking i shouldn't be, or wondering what's next. being in a new city and seeing everything.
i'm trying to make every moment a right this moment moment. it's not as easy as it should be.