(those I have, and have not, met thus far in my experience. those who have been involved in my experience for moments, months, or words. those who have entered into my experience and never left, and those who have come and have since gone. a burning connection. energy, not words. blatant. stimulate great personal growth in most desperate times.)
At what part of our experiences will we intersect?
I've been writing down the things I'd want to, but never will, say to you, and I think it's good for me to keep them. One day I won't feel them anymore and I won't have any idea what I'd been thinking about. I wonder what I was thinking about three years ago, six years ago, ten years ago, at this very date and time. I think about that a lot.
I wonder about the places each person has fallen in love before, where they were in the moment they first digested the thought of it. I wonder about the places where each person has felt the most broken and in what moment they thought 'this is it, this is the end, i can't wake up tomorrow.' when did they stop feeling broken and how? and do they feel much of anything now? not loved, not broken, not dead, but neither much alive?
I've been thinking about how comfortable drives home feel, so usual. but no one's drive home is the same as mine or anyone else's. windows down through the stoplights, up on the highway, loud music, loud singing, occasional crying on Highway 50. it's not usually sad tears, but tears of clarity. i do my best thinking in the car and in the shower. and i've been thinking about that a lot lately. turning left next to the brick building, slowing down over the railroad tracks, where there are beautiful christmas lights in the winter, fields, sky, grass, knowing the man in the house on the right is dying of cancer, the end of FF, never stopping at that stop sign, impulsively checking my phone on that corner, the skinny horses, knowing the man down that gravel road killed himself, the sharp corner at the top, if i want to go through the woods i take gravel, if i want to listen to music a little longer, i take highway, and i'm almost home. around the last corner i wish the drive could last a bit longer. and god, no one else has that.
I've had some of the best weeks yet. last week, in one day, i talked to almost everyone i love. i went for a swim, watched a physics class boat race, ran two miles, studied, ate healthy, drank lots of tea, was inspired, met with a friend just for good conversation, hit every green light, told my mom i loved her, did yoga, read the stranger, and slept early. if that's all it takes to feel so good, i can't believe it's taken me this long. I am so happy.
I gave a presentation in class this week. i just want to make others think, think for themselves, question their actions, question their future, and learn something they hadn't known. i'm so passionate about learning and spreading knowledge and opening minds and opening hearts and opening eyes and sharing and love.
Yesterday and today, i've been running, eating well, and i started doing yoga again, i feel so magical. i feel so good about my body for the first time since i've started thinking about having to feel good about it. i just dont want to wake up one day and not be able to run or stretch or swim anymore because i've gotten too old and broken. if i run and stretch and swim every day im going to outsmart basic human biology.