[drinks coffee at table. leonard cohen's "suzanne" plays a bit too quietly. the light is off. the windows are flushed with white. curtains, lacy. pours into a mug. slides silently across table. deep breath.]
--
tell me what you are. what swims in your brain. what fish do you most closely identify with? have you spent past sundays sleeping in a lawn chair in your grandparent's front yard? is there a lake nearby covered in cattails? have you ever stolen alcohol from your parents? would they care or could you have just asked? who encouraged you to smoke your first cigarette? are you still in contact with this person today? do you wash your hair every day? or just use water? do you believe in always locking the door? what sounds do you hear when you fall asleep at night? what do you see when you close your eyes? how far away are your feet from your head? how far away is your head from the present? what age changed you the most? i never want to stop growing. do you feel satisfied? do you feel perfect the way you are? are you afraid that a new experience will change you and you will miss your old self? do you believe in society? have you ever felt really sad? do you believe in a future? do you care about saving ourselves from extinction?
[moves from kitchen table to sofa]
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how do you feel about this sofa? do you think maybe it would get too hot in the summer, too cold in the winter, this leather? how many people have you kissed that you didnt really want to kiss in retrospect? have you ever hurt anyone's heart before? do you believe in love? in trees? in the summertime? do you notice the colours of the sky? the waves in water? the breeze through the window? can you see constellations? do you believe in astrological horoscopes? do you have any allergies because i love peanut butter. how do you like to eat your popcorn? have you ever been really good at something? what is your favorite thing to do outside? do you like to count when you cant sleep? do you like to count at all? what is your favorite set of the multiplication tables? say the first word that comes to mind when i say: sex. gin. mutation. mutilation. did you ever try to talk underwater? did you ever think you were in love with someone? do you prefer the day or the night? do you prefer to think about your own sadness or someone else's sadness? when did you stop believing in santa claus? what country is the favorite country of all the countries you have ever traveled to? do you think there is a place for you here? when you are alone what does your brain talk to you about? from what experience have you learned the most? do you usually use the elevator? would you prefer to break someones heart or have your heart broken? when is the time you felt the happiest? do you think youll ever feel that happy again?
[shift]
--
i think you talk too much. you smile too much when you dont mean it. you laugh when you feel sorry. you laugh because you want me. you're not here for the right reasons. you're here to psychoanalyze someone to see if they are crazy enough to satisfy you. you listen to classical music when you're studying because that's what your mum told you to do. now it just makes you miss her. why do you want to cry every time you have to study? i am human. you are human. we are all fucked up humans destroying the world one synchronized breath at a time. im stealing your oxygen right now. im fucking up your heart right now. because youll finally have found someone you feel safe enough about your mental state with and i wont want you in return. ill never want you. that's who i am. i dont remember feeling sad. i dont remember feeling happy. i am in the here, and the now, and i dont want to kill you, but if you could just slide over here, and i can create a diagram of your ashes so maybe i can piece my mind back together again with ur brain paste