something quite obvious, but i only noticed it now
how so much of oneself is based upon their geography
and the personalities you have change depending on your geographical location
and so splitting my personality between here and europe is quite strange
the city makes me see people in a better light. i keep my eyes to the ground. i always dress ok. i am conscious of my movements. my perception of acceptable personal space shrinks. we're close but it's ok because we're all on a train. going this way. the city makes me see people with differences. the lady running outside the store in drottninggatan with the sign. she was crazy but no one stopped to gawk. that is something i learned to appreciate so much. crazy is just crazy and it is neither here nor there, it exists and that is simply that. i am open and prepared for anything because every detail is unexpected. i miss the train in tumba, thus i wait in the station for twenty five minutes until the next. i eat the bread with the polar bears. i drink coke. i talk about tattoos with aitor. it's cold. alberto shares his candy.
pues here, home, i constantly feel objectified. i am cold to society. i know exactly what will happen every single day. i will walk to class. someone will whistle, or honk, or shout obscenities from their car. people are unprepared. everyone looks as if they just came from sleep. no one seems to be aware of others. i feel others looking at me. i think about how they should be keeping their eyes to themselves. i am so unaware of my movements because i lack concern. the environment is baren. the culture is questionable. or maybe i cannot find its attributes anywhere, if they are what i see, i can't appreciate it at all. every movement made, someone is staring. criticizing. and now i am criticizing them for criticizing.
i miss the person i am when im surrounded by feet of snow. icy stairs. cold scenery but warm people. an unintelligible language that i can only appreciate the sounds of. falling into a silent world where everyone could understand me but i cannot understand them. but you realise you are not so different. finally feeling ok.