Upon seeing an old photo of a friend and myself earlier this
evening, I turned to Raymond and stated how differently I look now. This was
met with a response saying that I look exactly the same. Rather.
So.
It is on the inside where I have changed. Any photos from
the “before” time seem so distant. That is the only way to describe it.
I went through so much since my “before” self. More than I
care to admit to myself. I’ve become quite good at forgetting. The details of
things are no longer clear. This whole year I lived for the time when things
would get better, and they did not until I started living for myself and finding happiness in everyday.
Each new day is the best day of my life. What other way to
live? My friends have taught me these things. To hold your hand out the window
when driving, just to let the wind fly through it; to look up to the sky and smile at
the sunshine, feel it on your face and your arms and shoulders and to be happy
because nature is an amazing thing and the trees and beauty of our world are
astounding; to stay up late, smoke a cigarette sometimes just for fun, to dance
even if I’m terrible. To sit, and think, read, and have that be enough. I live
everyday for myself and my own happiness.
I had wanted to take a shovel and hollow out my insides, just to empty them of everything you taught me. To cleanse myself of you. Now the space
is full of happiness and what could only be called experience. I loved and lost and now I can do anything. Nothing to
hold me back and I am completely, completely free of you for the first time.
I wonder, now. What will it be like to look at a photo of me
from today in a year’s time. Will I have been happier now than I am then?
Surely it’s not possible. To live a life of my own in Sweden--to experience so
much more and grow completely into myself in my new head and heart. To fill myself
up with life. To explore my world. I will think of how young and unknowing I
was now. What a process life is. A long, amazing, all-learning, all-loving
process.
My only fear is to return to the “before” time. I am certain
I will not relapse. I am much different now. There is so much more that I need
to experience. I am scared of how life is passing so fast. Only half a year
ago, I could barely function properly or make it through the day. I didn’t eat
or sleep for months. I want to take in every single moment in life for all it
is worth. My time in Sweden will go by so fast that I am terrified I will miss
something important and not have time to appreciate everything. I miss it
already, and do not even leave for two and a half more months.