we nicknamed her from the start
did we ever see her face?
we hid everything,
the hamster in the bathtub,
cleaning products under the sink,
worried about her for months, linda
we smelled the vomit from her bedroom
we watched the body bag behind fitzgerald,
pulled out of an ambulance at four in the morning,
"i can't believe it" watching from our beds what we thought we'd witnessed
"someone's dead"
"they're dead"
"no"
the dreaded, unwanted phone calls midsleep
your drunken boyfriend drove home again
forgot to call, forgot to care for you
i asked you to stop. stop?
i cant get to sleep,
i cant even hope to wake up in the morning
and i cant get to sleep right now
tell him to fuck off
i drove my car as far as i could
as far away as i could
i thought about driving it into the lake
and no one would ever know
and i wouldnt try to get out the window
id just fuck off forever
do you like your park with culp or no culp?
sunken?
spent a year forcing myself to eat
spent a year sleepless
i swear to god i wished someone would hurt me
explosions in the sky meant everything
id scream and scream, id avoid the street, id avoid my bed, id avoid my head
crossing that bridge in january wasnt in my mind all over again
no drug, nothing has ever fucked me up like that
im my worst here, ive always been my worst here
counting my goodbyes on the same two hands i loved you with