(i will never be sad again) (me) (january 2012) i feel so little that i ask myself what does it remember like. i found some strange catharsis in 'freaks' and i think i've cried for the first time in over a year. i have become an emotionless wall and as i sat in the theater i couldn't even understand why. continued on the metro, on the walk home, breathing down the cries. i suppose it's because i saw myself in those 'freaks' and the way that people view others. as if i'm incapable, cold, withdrawn. i've prevented myself from feeling anything 'too strongly' since january almost three years ago and now i feel like a complete robot fumbling and failing to make contact with anything. i cant think of anything to say to anyone. my thoughts are my dreams and i don't dream anymore. it's strange to not recognize yourself. to lose all categorization of your own thoughts. to feel your senses slip from the present.
i'm all alone.
you're not alone.
i am.
you're not alone. you only feel alone.
to feel alone is to be alone. that's what it is.
but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of "parties" with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. and when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.