pt 1
to just exist doesnt hurt
to be elegantly suspended in air
floating within a golden bubble, arms outstretched, head thrown back and im flying again
the pain comes when an encounter occurs.
the collision of bodies, minds, mouths, desires
i would like to remain golden forever. suspended, untouched, ethereal
for so long, that what damage you had caused becomes nothing but a canyon far below. filled with whiskey, cigarettes, polaroids and letters
pt 2
im scared becasue i can tell that i have become too comfortable. i dont need small thrills anymore to feel alive. because before i would have done anything to feel the cold water enveloping me and filling my senses with something fresh. to sink into something so profound, pure, so soft. pulling my head underneath the surfae and focusing all of my attention on breathing. i would have done anything in an attempt to find something to fill the void. to undestand that, indeed, i am still alive. i am still capable of feeling. i am not totally numb to the world for this instant. to figure out that it is possible to feel alive without you.
but now i wouldnt even jump in and i miss living life like i absolutely need to feel alive or i will just curl up and die. i need it so bad