a thing i wrote a few days after ending a four year relationship. this is what i meant by wanting to go around living as a raw nerve again. the vividness in life during times of incredible vulnerability are incomparable.
" i guess i'm just glad that i'm here
still alive
still breathing
i've never been so aware
of my surroundings
of my movements
of my feelings
i've never been so aware that i am a living breathing human
i've never felt so much all at once
i want to feel weightless again
everything back into place
feel secure
i don't know what the fuck i'm doing
but i'm taking one day at a time
and for now
it's working "
there's nothing interesting in the writing. it's not good writing. it was just pure. and i miss feeling so pure. i discovered so much of myself in those few months of destruction and lived so alone and yet so completely and so on edge and so unexpectedly. i've just recovered now, moved on, grown up, and transformed into a much less naïve member of society. i've leveled out. i don't want to feel so level. i prefer to be striving for something every day. self improvement, learning, growth. appreciating experiences in such a way because i knew how badly i needed those experiences. holding onto my friends for dear life. getting lost in my car. screaming. feeling some kind of hatred which can only come from loving someone too much. don't know. just want to grow. i want a process to focus on.