this week i will limit my caffeine and alcohol intake - surely this has some impact, because i've sworn by coffee this entire year - something to make me awake and focused and not irritable. but perhaps it's done more damage than good. i'm going to compliment people who i see on campus. i'm not going to avoid interaction in passing with others. i'm not going to overcompensate in casual conversation. i'm not going to plan every interaction i have word-for-word. i'm not going to toss around a conversation i had for hours, even days, and wonder if i said the wrong thing - because, honestly, who's got time for that? and surely the other person doesn't either.
i'm going to continue exercising every day - yoga - meditation - clear my head, become my body. don't skip meals. stop weighing myself. don't focus on what i dislike about my figure.
i can't keep living in this way - fearing even the most mundane, monotonous exchanges. every day life has become a struggle to breathe with so much pressure. all because of this anxiety that has suddenly crept up. and i know it stems from the stress that school generates, but it is crippling even the slightest chance i had at enjoying these last few months here. in my head, i get this idea that with these looming tasks before the end of the semester, if i don't complete them right now, or perfectly, i absolutely cannot function until they are completed. i keep a tedious list of every moment of every day and something is just sick about that - especially because i feel like i need that to keep me afloat.