, HOW TO FEEL LIKE A CHILD AGAIN

I crave the kind of vulnerability that only fooling with another heart can make me feel. I cannot find this sensation in an unfamiliar city, neither at the bottom of a cold Swedish lake, neither in my morning commute, or my second cup of coffee, or in not using a map, neither in the highlighted raw sentences from books I feel could have been my own. I cannot find any folly nearly foolishly satisfying enough as is trying to convince another heart and be convinced by another heart.

I have searched on Division Street in Wicker Park; I thought maybe I could freeze myself to vulnerability. Surprise that that did not suffice.

I have thought long and hard about how I could feel if the ceiling became the floor; if everything changed, and life rearranged, and sea creatures painted the world.  Yet again, I feel too comfortable.

I have explored every nook and uncanny cranny and I cannot shake the tactlessness.

In order to rediscover the beauty, I need to resort back to basic human qualities. reconsider how to breathe, how to piece an intelligent thought together, this touch is okay, don't look for too long...don't think so hard, okay, that was too hard. DON'T think about fucking, definitely don't do that, it will consume you. stop analyzing every movement, stop thinking about voices and jawlines. This is the kind of vulnerability I need. The kind I could never get used to.