I have noticed -thanks to a long sit in a warm bath -to keep
feeling the warmth it’s necessary to stir around a bit. Feet out, then under.
Water is warm again. Water is wet again. I think that water is the softest
discovery. Sit in it for a moment and it becomes you. Am I even sitting in
water anymore? Because I feel nothing? And does it feel warm or cold now? And
how long have I been in the bath now? I have to keep moving to feel anything at
all. Generally speaking, I think that I
knew this, but the bathtub has since confirmed it.
I cut a chunk out of my hair this week. Was touching it just now; it’s all irregular
and obnoxious. I told myself it’ll grow
back. It’s just hair.
I know someone who died this week. People are dying
constantly I suppose, but usually it ends up being someone I’ve never known. I
don’t know how to react to death. I guess the only thing is to learn to grow
despite the loss, to grow because of the loss. I’ve really no idea though. I’m very scared of death. Of people I love
dying. Of feeling too much, or feeling too little, or feeling nothing at all,
when I do eventually lose someone. Of not spending the right amount of
time with them, or not telling them how I love them enough. Most of all, I wish
that death didn’t happen, well at least not totally, and I could just pour out
my loved one's presence into my morning coffee day in, day out. Still greet you in the
morning, have you after dinner.
I’m hooping again. It feels good to move like that again. I
paid the rent and the electric bill this week. Passed four finals. Sat in cold
coffee shops and scribbled away about human anatomy. Remembered, once, to make my bed. Avoiding most things because I get too distracted by distraction’s distractions.
Another harrowing goodbye will come this week. This seems to
be the recurring event the past couple of years. Change is good right? I still
think of the profuse tears I’ve shed on buses each time I’ve left someone. It’s
really underrated how painful goodbyes are. It’s always worth it; to have such
good times, despite the difficult separations. Maybe it makes true connections
a bit stronger, even. (what does it remember like?)
I need to start packing for Chicago. I need to eat something
for dinner besides an apple. To do over Christmas break: Jacob’s coffee.
Books. Countdown: 2 days.
11. sleeping pills and damien rice