COME HOME

lately, cant find the inspiration to keep being
would love to be splashing in my grandparents' pool, sneaking cookie dough from the mixer, crinkling the candy wrappers in my grandfather's shirt pocket

singing songs with myself on the front porch, volleyball on the roof, hands and forearms red and bruised, catching frogs, fireflies, not worrying about losing myself

i've always been alone and fine. absurdity is the view society has on solitude. feeling small again.

REALIZATIONS AGAINST PILLOWCASES

Aug 5, 11:49 pm.

realizations against pillowcases 

falling asleep next to your heart sounds for six months now 

heavy, full, lightness, touch 

you follow my movements away from the light, loyally 

your breathing becomes my nighttime soundtrack, your fingers my nighttime touching, your kisses my nighttime longing

the time of nightthoughts is the space where people begin to believe in love

i believe in your breath, your heart sounds, your sleeping fingertips, whispering mouth, warm body, and finding your shoulder as i empty my day into you. 

THERE, GLOWING INTO YOU

reading direction labels on bathroom products, standing under the falling water, washing your curls, making rainbows on your chest
twisted, following your shoulder to the end, knowing that there, i will find your hand, everything is on the tip of my tongue
we are learning how not all people show love in the same ways
finding home in summer gardens, trash-filled alleyways, my parents' sky, male dress codes and cover charges, too spicy mustard, cleaning days, the search for radler, jumping onto the sparkly tiles walking home from downtown.

THE LIGHTING ON THE TOMATOES

My dad's senses go,
manual simulators like batting cages,
bikes swimming through swarms of mosquitos,
black shadows against white and square illuminations,
hair sticking to our skin,
the fountain isn't as deep as my surprised fingers thought
i said i saw elbows falling off into the bushes,
flashlights shone at us through the glass maze on the lawn,
mouths moving but neither of us could decipher anything outside of mumbles,
we decided to leave anyway.

Fruit fly traps,
i found myself lost for an hour filming fireflies on flower banks in the darkness of my parents' home,
i forgot the feeling of conscious in summer here
in terms of blood and treasure
with New Words rolling out of your mouth, i turned to find the scissors in the drawer
you repeated it again, asking if i could stop leaning against your knee like that,
and a third time, tonight, "i can't see."

Wondering in the car, on the way to get bomb pops and tomatoes, how long it had been.

SNEAKING IN/OUT

choking on my own spit
forming habits out of you
and feeling empty because of it

GRANDMA

as i was walking up the stairs
i met a man who wasn't there
he wasn't there again today
i wish i wish he'd stay away

I THINK I'M DONE HERE

i think we're done, here.

WHEN I GET HOME

when i go out
i look for someone like you
so that i can feel hurt again
how can i be angry at somebody loving me
cause that makes no sense
how can i be angry at somebody not loving me
cause that makes no sense



mi mye.

i was so lonely before you
so alone you forget what lonely feels like until you aren't it.

SMALL NOTION

i have found no greater pleasure in my lifetime than to feel wanted.
go, make everyone in your life feel wanted.

I WANT TO REMEMBER THIS

when i knew you less than a month and you made me a map of my favorite place in the world
going in to kiss at the same time; i dont remember where we were, but i remember how my smile made me miss your lips
sweetness in small doses; sweetness in the smallest moments. in the car, i enjoy you, i enjoy you so much, i like you, i really like you.
kissing at harling's between doorframes - oh that was really nice, it had been an hour.
"can i come sit with you?" during the bulls game from your chair, alex melting in the corner
licking my face outside the garage "i guess that means i really really like you" according to your dad's conversation about knowing when a dog loves its person

in these moments you are my person.

THOUGH IT FEELS FAMILIAR

despite a northern reserve

i am falling in love with you 

and i don't feel afraid

something new though it feels familiar

i must repeat that everything has a far stronger effect

the first time it happens than on subsequent occasions

soon it is spring in your eyes

a human sea

we stood awhile and breathed in 

the calculated suburbs, 

exiles among exiles,

and other worlds and phenomena of other proportions

your edges grow uneven

stronger than anyone wants them

a gauge for measuring the passing time

black strands curl into your ears

i long to see them lighten in the summer

golden under the movement of the lake

our bodies drying in the light

your name still special on my tongue

your skin still burning my fingers

the moon grows and glows,

men wait for letters, crush bugs

curse officers, swap dirty stories

all as i recluse into myself

like a dying man

forgetting how to sit in his recliner

i ask your ghost to please get the mail

in the same way that striking a match smells of a birthday party,

loneliness smells like death does

there are men in offices who are dictating potential

sending letters embellished with a stamped signature

igniting the beginning of an end

are we lost or do we still have a chance?

tell me how we aren't just loving because we're lonely

and tell me again how you like me because i make the world soft.

BE HUMAN

find your pulse loud all across your body. fingertips tracing the places where you're alive: wrist, neck, back, chest. there's something worth writing about when i feel so wonderful just making the bed together, writing secret notes for your pockets for you to open later, sharing quiet mornings with you. if i'm loose i find your arms again or settle for kissing your back. zipping up my jacket, picking feathers off my jeans, sharing our solitude, the way our day old hair tangles and sprinkles across the bed.

i'm biting my arms again; appreciating how simple and beautiful it is for someone to share the small and quiet of life with. smiling about the way you move and think - the way the open drawer irritates you just like your top button and collar aligning. loving like i'm learning you as a new language.

TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING

what ive been thinking about lately
father driving his sons to school, three in the back with their own separate headphones and own separate sounds, the father in silence, presumably quite empty
my friend saying "shhhhh..... i love this song"during our conversation
devouring an entire bottle of whiskey and friends cheering around you, shots until everyone's puking.
losing yourself to your passion for another person.

I LEAVE YOU IN THE MORNING AND FIND YOU IN THE DAY

at first, touching you felt like the residue of lost love
i didnt eat for you
but i wanted to be next to you in every crowded room,
on every full sofa and under blankets with you,
sharing cigarettes, steadying it between your fingers and my mouth,
inhaling for this time alone

days later,
$40 on sushi, emptied plates twice, broken cars and crushed telephone poles and watching from the window at the weather threatening our night
thrifting jackets for friends, drive-thru mozzarella sticks
spin my coat on, spin into you
call the big bed, you aren't close enough to me
the shallow bit of your chest, the underside of the crest of your hip
holding and being held in my favorite place, "me too"

with my face in the bit of space in your back where your shoulders meet,
my mind is on our drive home,
feeling emptier and more alone in this crowded room of stumbling and dumb smiles - "why are you sitting on the floor", wine bottle propped between my knees, passing alex the cigarette and ash filled beer bottle, they're throwing cupcakes and breaking teeth - than ever when i'm alone or with you.
in our beds i still cant understand how perfectly you can hold me. and i can't believe how easy it all feels.