in another life, i stayed in sweden after fall

in another, i stayed in spain after summer 

in another life, i moved to seattle for graduate school

in another, i got the fulbright to the czech republic

in another life, i married my high school sweetheart

in another, i'm a fundamentalist christian

in another, i never met you

in another life, i never met you

in another, i studied journalism

in another life, i studied photography

in another, i'm good at math

in another life, i stayed in chicago

in another, i became a web designer

in another life, i'm good at drawing 

in another, painting

in another life, i was born in mexico

in another, i'm a mail carrier.

PUT SOME GODDAMN MOVES ON YOU

Monday jul 24, 2023

Listening to: Moves by Suki Housewater
Watching: LI s10
Eating: Watermelon from Peddler's Daughter
Lighting: Incense
Putting off: Writing thank you cards
Grieving: Summer 

writing a to-do list and then not look at it again
find it in a year and finally cross off all the things i did without being told to!
writing thank you cards, making sure to send to older family members first, so as to not upset them further that i'm 24 days late. the faster the thank you, the more sincere?

i've been trying to gather up the motivation (courage? inspiration?) to write, to write anything at all. i organized my office space. painted a black accent wall in my kitchen. hit streak day 63 on duolingo. watered my plants. got cortizone10 for this whatever it is on my face, that first made an appearance in june (maybe late may). bought new ikea shit. reorganized my desk and pegboard, brought in a rug and a lamp and a place to burn incense. that was just yesterday, so i guess it's working because i am writing this! it also helps R has been out of the house all day and this evening. enough time on my own to hear my own thoughts. i haven't written on here since 2021, and before that not frequently. chicago is a blur. a not totally pleasant blur. 

it's hard to find a moment of silence. self-inflicted loudness: podcasts, tv shows in my airpods, music. it also has to be the right time of day. this is it, this is prime quiet brain time: 9:53pm. and interrupted by roux vom. duty calls, mother duty. i sent grandpa in to clean it up. i think there's a dead chipmunk in our yard. R is supposed to remove it with a shovel. i do feel a bit guilty i didn't do something to keep it dry when it was storming today. but i was keeping dry. when i checked on it later to see if it had moved, it hadn't. and it was soaking wet. it hasn't moved since yesterday, but it was alive and alert yesterday. we thought it was just mother duty. 

comes to a close 

close the door 

ring it in 

on the other side

don't look back

at my year in review

2021.

january: had new year's with the bondis, played hand and foot, grandpa under the table, and champagne at midnight.  saw chad momentarily at jack's west plaza apartment. stayed out past midnight. virtual school. 

february: birthday dinner at the antler room; one cocktail; home with yellow candles, scary movie, and tea. overall af birthday. finished working with selena (est. nov 2020).

march: school (work) started in person again; met my students for the first time. 

april: started attending yoga with annika, and stopped drinking, just to see how long i could make it . 

may: yoga, started my next level spanish course at berges. mackenzie visited, we went to the lake. arguments about beer. i still wasn't drinking. 

june: yoga, spanish, summer tk softball, school (work) is out

july: got an idea one week, booked a flight to madrid for the next. made it 53 days or thereabouts af, and didn't spend therabouts $400. visited madrid, barcelona, murcia; andrea, martin, alverto, lucia, miguel, and lots of places i remembered, and lots of places for the first time. took the train to barcelona for a long weekend with alverto, dropped off the luggage, went to the fake beach. he worried about me sunburning. the next day we stayed on the beach for about 5 hours, reapplying. it felt like a dark and moody paris, narrow alleys and only bikes or pedestrians. i ordered in spanish but they responded in english everytime. i visited goya's black paintings at museo del prado; croquetas veganas in la latina. y el cafe de tortilla bajo de la casa de leiva. saw a flamenco show! andrea knew the doorman. drove to murcia, met bonnie and oreo, put my body in the ocean and floated around. slept in the spanish hot. 

august: back to kansas city, restarted the af count. 

september: back to school (work)

october: katelyn visited (?), pot pie, visited amaris. realized i could download books for free from the kansas city public library, and pull them up on the kindle app through my borrowed ipad. 

november: closed on 65th terrace (bought a house). visited upstate new york (tivoli) with caroline, mel, and hannah. small hikes, great view, books for free, sobremesa, greek director movie marathon, girls cooking, puppy chow, napping.

december: moved to the new house - roscher, roux, grandpa, russell, and all. painted whisper white. tried to listen to an audio book (phoebe judge - little women). made it 3, maybe 2, chapters in. started calypso on the ipad. i like to see the percentage read/left; and estimated time to finish the book. glass o wine at lauras holiday party. otherwise relatively af, been making nettle/green tea most nights now. last day of 2021, swope park dog park, yoga at rsf with caroline, now im home. 

 2022.

filled my humidifier
with my bathwater
i wonder if it will clog
or smell like soap
or blow bubbles

i barricaded in the bedroom for weeks
it's negative degrees, and my house has been in the low 60's (indoors)
i have three blankets, and three layers, two space heaters, and three pets, and one body to heat up the room
with two doors to keep closed (quite a job)

the electric company is doing "controlled power outages"
because energy reserves are depleted due to the extreme temperatures
i am cold but i know others are colder

today i tried pilates
tried my french press
tried to stay warm
tried making a grocery list and meal plan on Numbers
tried two sweets from billie's grocer

today i finished Other Minds
and started Simón, my first spanish novel
other than when i tried reading harry potter ten years ago
i'm underling all the words i don't know
and tracking if it is mostly verbs 
or mostly nouns
or adverbs or adjectives 
then i look them up. 

------------------

llené el humidificador
con la agua de mi bañera 
mi pregunto es si que va a atascar
o si va a olar como jabón
o si va a crear burbujas 

me quedé en mi habitación por semanas
hace grados negativos, y la casa ha estado en los sesentas (por dentro)
tengo tres mantas, tres capas de ropa, dos calentadores de espacio, y tres mascotas, y un cuerpo para calentar el cuarto
con dos puertas que necesitan guardar cerrados (no es tan facíl)

la compañia electrica están haciendo "controlled power outages"
porque las reservas del electricidad están vacía por las temperaturas extremas
yo tengo frío, pero lo sé que hay otros que tienen más frío.

hoy probé pilates
probé mi prensa francesa
probé quedar cálida
probé hacer una lista de compras
probé dos dulces de billie's grocer 

hoy terminé Other Minds
y comencé Simón, mi primer novella de español
aparte de cuando intenté leer harry potter hace diez años
estoy subrayando todas las palabras que no sé 
y mirando si los mayoría son los verbos, los sustantivos, los adverbios, o los adjectivos
entonces buscalos.

GRANDPA

mi perrito huele de sunblock y de zapatillas gastadas, y sus patitas huelen como patatas fritos (de bolsa)

su nariz está seco 

y parece como carbón

y la cabeza está en la forma de un asiento de una bicicleta, pero más grueso

los labios son como una carpa, con las aberturas que se pegaron y mostrar sus dientes.

arrugas de la frente como ríos entre las orejas, los ojos, bajo de la nariz, que es formado como una corazón

sus ojos parpadean juntos, y están grande como un bebe que quiere algo

y tiene una raya en su pecho y me gusta acariciar mucho y decir "que eres un buen chico"

está testarudo. aunque tiene su proprio cama, quiere dormir en el mío

él tiene tres piernas, no me preguntes porque (no lo sé)

pero le quiero con mis dos piernas, con ambas brazos, y con todo mi estómago.

PRACTICANDO EL PRETERITO Y ESCRIBIENDO

 tengo mucho sueño 

todo está brumoso 

es casi 11:00 de la mañana 

he bebido dos cafecitos 

he trabajado con dos niños, sólo

y uno que no ha venido.

hay mucha nieve en el norte este (nordeste) 

necesito registrar para otra clase de español

es casi mi cumple 

20:52

yo me lavé

quería correr todo el día

llovió todo el día

yo debí saber antes.

estoy practicando el preterito. 

mon, oct 7 2013 12:35am

si me voy a cortar mi pelo

y tiro en la basura de mi casa o
in my closet o

en el suelo 

o no sé

pero como que odio pensar en ti
you do not hurt me anymore
it is so far away that
even bringing it up,
especialmente por los noches,

parece insane.
there is no burden, y nada siente pesado,
no tienes un impacto, ni la derecha saber nada
y si me voy a cortar mi pelo, 

you will never have touched any of it,

pero al mismo tiempo, it doesn't matter

IT HAS BEEN GOOD TO SAY I LOVE YOU EVERYDAY TO SOMEONE NEW

it’s been almost three years since my last entry here. last night, i scrolled through some posts. i barely recognize myself. im 27 now; 28 in 11 days, coming on here feels sick,  because it doesn’t feel like mine, and i don't feel as broken, or as interesting.

i have stopped and started dyeing my hair 

i have started and stopped drinking too much (now nine days without)

i have stopped and (am starting) to write again 

i have stopped and started to run again (as of 2 weeks ago)

i have lost and kept good friends 

i have moved, and moved, and moved apartments and cities 

i have gained weight, and lost motivation 

i have stopped eating exclusively pasta, and started eating fish 

i have had scary blood test results, and had friends support me through it 

i have had scary blood test results, and had friends say nothing 

i have been distant from my family, and have moved back to kansas city 

i have worked full-time at jobs that hurt to go to every day, and worked full-time at jobs that satiate me.

i have (we have) seen the toll of a global pandemic in 2020 

i have (we have) seen black americans killed in the daylight, gasping for breath under a cop's fucking knee 

i have (we have) seen domestic terrorism against our own democracy, and a president be impeached twice in the senate 

i have (we have) seen an incredible divide within our nation with no surefire solution to mend it. in reality i don't think there is one.

i got a dog (Grandpa)

i felt love

i felt loss 

i felt homesick 

i felt empty

i felt nothing 

i didn’t write 

i didn’t read.

three years later.
i think it’s the medication; i don’t need to write to clear my head like i used to. the medication clears it out, or it never seeps in. it's intrusive. it's real life. it's being alive. friends and exes have had babies, gotten married, gotten divorced, and moved away. friends have left my life, some slowly and naturally, others quickly and painfully. less pain than if i weren’t medicated, i’m sure.  the same as with the loss of my grandma. her suffering is too much for me. i won’t let myself start to think about it (alone in a nursing home for almost a year, isolated, and eventually succumbing to COVID.)

i’ve been listening to podcasts, but stopped listening to music almost entirely 

i've been figuring out new ways i like to move my body, 

refilling my humidifier, 

organizing my books and plants, 

studying spanish,

teaching. 

grandma jennie texts me daily “i’m okay”, 

i think she needs someone to reach out to daily just in case she isn’t ok, 

if i don’t hear from her (which is often after i’ve long gone to bed) i’m not sure i’ll realize for a few days, 

but it has been good to say i love you everyday

to someone new

appreciating how much Less Cold kansas city is than chicago, 

but still too cold to walk Grandpa after work

the sun goes down early, around 5pm

the neighborhood i live in doesn’t feel safe enough to walk him at night

but i’m happy here, i think. i do wonder if i weren’t on medication if i’d realize more about how i am feeling. 

i feel positive changes are coming. for me, and for our country. the inauguration of biden happened last wednesday. i got to watch the inauguration for the first time (working virtually from home has its benefits sometimes).  it was powerful. 

I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF

there hasn't been enough silence, haven't been enough silences
to hear myself
how is it this time already,
you're breathing like you're sleeping
i thought i saw you tonight, skateboarding down my street,
as i accidentally stepped in puke

reading about schizophrenia on
soggy, sagging furniture
denying a thing exists doesn't make it disappear
but spring comes early in the valleys

so terrified of the good being fleeting
i saved my rolos from christmas seventeen years ago for seventeen years
and never used my favorite body glitter,
now just resting in my childhood closet unopened
yet still so subtly starved for something good

JUST FEELING HEAVY TONIGHT

I didn't take my meds because I felt like writing. I checked my email, noted there is nearly half of my licensure paperwork I haven't completed yet, because the state of Illinois is so FUCKING confusing, so now I don't feel like writing and I feel insane. I decided my paperwork and loose ends can wait until tomorrow morning.

I learned about a girl selling her books on amazon for $0.99, $1.99, $2.99, respectively. I want to try that but I can't justify to myself selling anything I write. I can't come up with a good reason for why I would need to put a price on what I've done. Every author does it. I wish I could hear the conversation of authors with themselves about that. It's not worth .99 to me, it's worth my entire life, but at the same time, not worth anyone else having. What use is it to anyone else, it's self-indulgent and shitty, but I do have a sense of pride over it. I'm curious if I could still feel proud if I asked others to pay for it. Then it would have to be worth the $2.99 or whatever. What if no one would get $2.99 worth of enjoyment out of reading my years of shit. ( I should probably take my meds.)

I'm feeling triggered because I was at my parents' yesterday and I spent the night there. It's been 24 years and there's still no 'intentional' time spent. When your parents dont see you for four months, but turn down going to get coffee with you? then i spent the afternoon alone at their house while they were both going on with their every day lives. It's fine but around 11:00am i asked myself why am i here. It's actually not fine, i'm in a shitty mood now.

It's hard to explain to people how it is living in a new city. I've been in Chicago for just over 4 months, and it is really hard. It's a good hard, but life itself is just more difficult in a city. i.e. getting groceries, parking, driving, doing laundry, picking up packages, ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC ETC every day i can do about three things and then the day is over because it takes such time to get anywhere and wait in line and shit. I love chicago. there's so much to SEE and DO and the people are so queer and friendly and midwestern. I love the lake. I love logan square. trees and green of the boulevards. the opportunities and experiences all available if i want them. life is easy in missouri but it also makes me feel dead inside and that's what people cant fucking understand.

ALEATORIA

i keep hoping you'll just show up,
and validate me like a parking ticket.

spent a few minutes flipping through books and reading excerpts to each other - i really liked that.
i spent a few minutes in the pizza restaurant bathroom, cleaning herbs out of my crooked teeth with my belt.

at my best, im a small pool, at my worst a sandbox
at best, an afternoon. at worst, an eyesore

comparing nerve endings, impatient for connections,
at nausea.
neon white and the struggle of the tangle

OUR OWN

i timed the walk to california; 13:35.61, so if i need to get out of logan, i can do it in about fifteen minutes.

im devastated by the world now, as usual, stockholm attacks at åhléns, a place ive walked by and around hundreds of times, an eleven year old girl, walking home from school was hit and killed by a senseless act. in egypt, christian churches were bombed on palm sunday. 44 dead.

i have left missouri, left kansas city, and can leave logan if i need to. but none of us can leave the state of, and reality of, our own world. there is nowhere in this world free of madness, and if convince yourself you've found it, you're even more mad.

YOUVE MADE YOUR BED

saying goodbye with a lemon tart and an $8 orchid. now i can hear the train fly past on north milwaukee from my room.

this is how we wrap up loose ends and unravel new starts; fall in love with a $69 painting of a geisha. thinking, 'if i don't think about it', i could be in new york. finding it is much easer to work with you and feeling i'm accomplishing half as much without. killing time in public spaces, wet benches, creaky hardwood, glossy white tiled exteriors outside of takeaway pizza joints, reflecting light from cars and sprinkles. ive tried every take-out, vegan friendly restaurant on fullerton ave., i won't have gas in my kitchen for another week, and this seems to be a successful way to get me out of the house, though briefly. i bought slippers for cold feet and cold floors, i bought floss and it's very shitty ive been bleeding in my new sink. today i watched an amy winehouse documentary, mopped again, repotted a plant from pots i found outside on my back deck, didnt have the energy or wherewithal to go get myself a coffee, so ive had a throbbing headache, and just took an excedrin at around 7pm.  so i tried to read a bit, but i fell asleep. tomorrow i will go get myself a coffee.

it's been gloomy out and raining every day so far, so i guess i feel like staying home, not too cold, just really wet. i'm trying to write again, but i haven't got much inspiration or need to write when im feeling okay. katelyn sent me $5 to go get a coffee, sophia keeps reminding me to write "write a poem today!", and i've thought about asking mackenzie to remind me to eat x3 meals a day.

it's not all good, i still find myself to be driven by fear of simply remaining, but i don't want to kill myself !

GETTING SPACIER THAN AN ASTRONAUT

i haven't been writing in awhile. i mean i've been writing awhile. writing nothing worthwhile in some while. ive been writing patient reports, documenting slow deaths, slow sips, slow symptoms of suffocation. polysubstance abuse, ambulance rides in the wrong direction, when bodies are all that's left. tubes for breathing, eating, pissing. every hour, vitals are documented. every night, you can't sleep. and as im shoving a fig newton into your palm, i wonder when the last time you remembered was.

last week, an 83 year old told me she lives with her mom and dad and that she doesn't have kids. i watched her drink water and i told her her view from inside was beautiful. good her kids werent there to hear that.

today i saw a dying man pull out his lines and refuse his medications. he will starve, and he will suffocate, and he will die a very painful death and the entire medical team was helpless then. i will never be able to help anyone as much as i want to. and neither will anyone else.

the year was busier than before. or im emptier than before. 

i'm moving to chicago in a month. 

for myself, by myself

i ask what anyone else is thinking about because im tired of my own thoughts.

there is such sadness in the smallest places, such sadness is the biggest spaces.

i feel sadness for young, unsupported mothers,
the idea of elderly people growing lonely.

i feel sadness for every generation who only knows violence. 

i feel sadness for every child who isn't loved in the way they want to be.

i feel sadness for everything that goes to bed empty

i feel sadness for the scared and helpless and hurt

i feel sadness for everyone living paycheck to paycheck

i feel sadness for everyone who feels imprisoned in their own masculine or feminine body 

i feel sadness for every young person who spends thousands of dollars they dont have on an education 

i feel sadness for everyone who has no passion

i feel sadness for everyone who has not known love

i feel so sad for corrupt governments, broken social justice systems, the treatment of animals, the treatment of criminals, the treatment of mentally ill 

i feel sadness for everything dropped down on a train track 

i feel sadness for worms when it rains

i feel sadness for bugs stuck in windowpanes 

i feel sadness for broken homes

i feel sadness for hospital bills

i feel sadness for lost photographs 

i feel sadness for all that is ripped, crumbling, burning, and forgotten.

i have to remind myself that it is not okay to feel the sadness of everyone and everything sad in the world. it is the hardest thing for me to do.